As I write this it is now almost 10.30pm on Friday night and it has been an emotional 24 hours.
Last night the reality hit me as I lay in bed that the man I love and married nearly 30 years ago and who has lain beside me almost every night for those almost 30 years will prob never do so again. The loneliness of that notion was totally overwhelming and my sorrow is beyond words. And yes I cried - alot, but yet in my sorrow and heartbreak God surrounded me with His loving arms and I slept undisturbed and peacefully until the morning.
Roy however did not have so peaceful night and to say he scared the living daylights out of the nursing staff would prob be an understatement. His antics have also put back any plans for him go home anytime soon.
So your wondering what he's been up to - well last night he decided to watch Bones on TV3. Half way through he was feeling very tired so he decided to go to sleep. He started to dream that he was part of the Bones team and that he had a puzzle to solve. He managed to do this and the answer was that he needed to get to the closest airport and catch a flight to Chicago where everyone was waiting for him. He got out of bed, put on his pants and walked down the long corridor - unaided in any way - to the nurses station and told them he needed to get to the airport now. They tried to convince him that it was a dream but he was adamant that it was real and they had to go and get me cause I was in the next room and I'd know all about it. The nurses told him I was at home and that he'd see me tomorrow (Friday) and he finally calmed down and woke up properly. They got him back in bed, they barricaded one side of the bed and on the other they placed some special mats that would set off an alarm when his feet touched them. He became a prisoner in his bed.
Talking to the Doc today they are still not sure why these dreams continue to happen and my concern is if they do continue how safe will Roy be at home. I can't watch him 24/7.
The blood results also came back today and they are apparently all over the place with a marked decrease in kidney function. Roy also has some major swelling happening in his right foot and ankle so we made a trip to the hospital to have an ultra-sound done to make sure there were no blood clots developing. None were found and the Doc thinks the swelling may be due to secretion from the lymph nodes. Roy's vomiting has also returned so they have changed and increased one of his anti nausea meds. This seems to have helped as he was a lot better this afternoon.
As far as the radiation is concerned the Doc is not pushing that anymore because there are more important/serious things going on that need sorting out.
Prognosis as the Doc see it is that Roy has weeks not months. Wow it is way easier to write that than actually say it.
Personally the way things are going I'm not sure he's coming home again.
I want to thank my friend Diana for taking me up and down to Palmy today and for inviting me for dinner and for the nice evening out to watch her daughters in a local musical production. I had a good time and yet it was an evening tinged with sadness because Roy was supposed to have joined us as well and it was another reality check that I am now doing things alone.
Last night at this time I was in tears and now I am again. I sit here looking at the empty bed that now sits in my lounge fills me with sadness and I dread the empty bed that awaits me upstairs. I grieve the overwhelming loss and loneliness that I have to face. And I wonder how can I face this. I know that the Lord is my strength and yet I feel so adrift.
With much sorrow and a heavy heart.
PS: Excuse any mistakes it's been a long day.