Monday, 30 June 2014

I'm feeling tired.

Not physically tired, but mentally and I guess a bit emotionally tired too.  Maybe it's the winter blues or maybe the year that has been has finally caught up.  What ever the reason I think I need a holiday - somewhere warm, sunny and tropical would fit the bill I think.  Somewhere to laze away the day without a care in the world and recharge my battery - dreams are free I guess!!

Time to get back to reality.

Speaking of dreams - I am sleeping well but boy do I dream a lot lately.  Actually maybe that's why I'm tired!!  A couple of weekends ago I had Noah come to stay for 5 nights.  Now Noah is really into Bob the Builder so being a good Oma I catered to his likes with some dvd's to watch and a CD with Bob the Builder songs.  Guess who turned up in my dreams those five nights??!!  Yip you guessed it - Bob did.  I don't always remember what I've dreamed about, but sometimes I do and when  I wake up feeling tired  I know I must have had a busy night.

A while ago someone asked me if I'd ever dreamt about Roy and I vividly  remember only 1 dream - probably because it was more of a nightmare and I woke up during it.  It happened probably a month after Roy had died.  I dreamt that we were in bed together and suddenly Roy complained that he was so very, very cold.  When I turned over he was lying there white and stone cold - I remember getting a huge fright and waking in tears.  As far as I know I have not dreamt about him since that time.  I have never ever told anyone about that dream but it has always stayed with me.

The last few weeks have been busy (nothing new there) and have flown by (nothing new there either).  I spent some time with dear friends for Aussie.  It was so good to see them and spend time together.  Thanks John and Trudy you are both a blessing.  Your porridge pot is safely back in the cupboard till you come again.

Noah has also been to stay as I mentioned earlier.  We had a great time although he was a bit under the weather as he was off his food - this definitely means he's sick as he is a fantastic eater.  Thankfully he did sleep well.  I worked out if I put him to bed a bit later than his normal bedtime he would sleep a bit later in the morning and I could get up before he woke and have a shower.  At times like this you sure miss the extra pair of hands and eyes.  We managed well but I was pretty tired by the time he went home.  That saying that says it's nice when grandchildren come and it's nice when they go is definitely true.  I love my grandchildren to bits and love having them come and stay, and although I miss them when they're go again it is also nice to be able to put your house back in order and 'relax' and get back to your own routine.  Oh how quickly we become set in our ways - lol!!!!!

While Noah was with me Aimee and Richard were up in Auckland winning awards and trophies for Melody's New World Bakery at the BIANZ Bakery of the year competition.  Melody's is the third best bakery in New Zealand and they are the supreme winners of the creative cake category.  Below are 2 pics of the cake and the gingerbread house (kombi van) that they made for the competition.  They are both amazing.

GOLD AWARD - Gingerbread house - Christmas Theme - a kiwi Christmas at the beach

GOLD AWARD - Celebration Cake - Gatsby Theme

They also won awards for their bread display and for a variety of specialty breads they now make.  If you want a cake made they're the people to see - some free advertising for Richard and Aimee and Melody's New World ;0)

WINZ has also been in touch as I had to go and see them to be reassessed for my job seekers allowance. I filled all the info in online and then went in to see a very nice gentleman who told me I was an easy customer to deal with - I guess that's a good thing!!  While I was there I talked to the job broker about a job I was interested in and I had to send her my CV.  So that's another job applied for.

The job at Kindy has come to an end - a) because I resigned and b) because the parent has decided to keep his daughter home because of the cold weather.  I have been at Kindy 5 weeks and seen the child 2 morning!!  I've come to realise during these last 5 weeks that I have outgrown Kindy (now that is really saying something for me), it just isn't what I want to do work wise anymore - I'd rather do photocopying.  Actually this has become the joke at my job at ELP (English Language Partners). We always have plenty of photocopying to do and it isn't the most exciting task.  Recently my boss asked me to ring around all the schools in the Kapiti area to ask if  we could place a small ad in their newsletters to advertise our services.  Now I hate making phone calls (probably why I'm not a telemarketer)  I told my boss that he was making me step outside my comfort zone and he knew it was bad when I said I'd much rather do photocopying.  It has now become our gauge on how good or bad a job is - lol!!  Thankfully there are not many jobs that are worse than photocopying!!  I am blessed to have some extra hours become available at ELP which is great and will make up for not working at Kindy.

The Rawleigh business has also 'come alive' again with a few more email/phone orders.  I have also (today actually) dropped off all my knitted items at a store here in Palmerston North.  They will be sold on consignment with the shop taking a 20% cut.  I am very excited about this and the lady loved the items I brought in so it'll be interesting to see how they go.  They will also take custom orders if people want a certain style but in a different colour - in fact one of the ladies who works in the shop loved that knitted hat that Noah was wearing so much that she has already put in an order for her 3 year old.  Mum you could well be busy ;0)

I got my tax forms filled out with some help from my brother and sadly I made a loss of neg $17 this year.  Not a great way to run a business so I def have to fine tune a few things I think. All a learning experience that's for sure. A profit is definitely something to strive for this coming financial year I'd say.

Well I think that's it from me for now.  I had hoped to tell you that baby Nugteren had arrived, but he hasn't - he is taking after his father who was 10 days late.  As soon as I know I'll let you all know.  In the meantime prayers for a safe and smooth delivery are welcome.

Wishing you all a wonderful week whatever you're doing and where ever you are.  Stay safe.

Until next time.

Love and blessings

Sunday, 8 June 2014

Today it is one year since the Lord called Roy home to be with Him.  At 2.20am on the 8th June 2013 Roy finished his earthly walk and is now resting safely in the arms of his Lord and Saviour. 

Why God does this is still the HUGE unanswered question - a question that will probably remain unanswered this side of glory.  Why was it so important for the Lord to call Roy home when he still had so much more to do down here with those who loved him.  I sometimes still struggle with the why of it all and yet knowing the answer won't change what has happened, nor would it make things any easier to dear.   We can trust that " all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28 even if we never understand the 'Why"!

I guess it has been a good day today although I have shed a lot of tears (quite a few writing this blog to be honest), but I guess that is to be expected.   There has been sadness at the loss of Roy, but also tears of sadness for my children - some of whom struggle with the loss of their father. This hurts my heart very much.
We decided to make today a family day so Joel and Tia picked me up this morning and we spent the day in Palmy with Aimee, Richard and Noah.  It was a lovely day, we spent some time at the beautiful Esplanade feeding the ducks, looking at the birds in the aviary and watching Noah have a great time on the slide.  Later while Noah had a sleep we played a couple of games and had a Skype session with Tim and Yvette. After a wonder roast lamb dinner with Yorkshire puddings all prepared by Richard we also Skyped with Ryan, Ineke and Inge over in England.  It was really nice to be able to spend time together even if we are far apart and Noah and Inge really enjoyed seeing each other.

I guess the first anniversary is a time to reflect on the year that has been. 

Those who have been following my blog will agree a lot has happened in this last year.   This past year has been filled with blessing  - a new grandchild on the way (due end of this month), celebrating my 50th with family and friends, good health, and the everyday blessings we so quickly take for granted.  God has been gracious and has seen me safely through even if the journey has not always been easy.  I am adjusting to my new normal even if there are aspects of it that I don't like.  I have discovered who I am as my own person not just as the wife/widow of Roy and mother of my children.  I am stronger and more resilient than I actually knew I was.  I have discovered thing about myself that I didn't know existed - a strength,determination and grace that can only be God given.  I have learnt to trust the Lord for all things, to stand up for myself, to make my own choices and to not be afraid to say what I think.  It is not in my nature to wallow in self pity - even if I do have moments when I just wish the world would stop so I can get off.

In practical terms I've learnt a lot too - I'm really good at mowing lawns now,  I can pump petrol and check the oil (note to self to do that this week).  Haven't had to change a tire yet but that's why I have an AA card. I wield a mean pruning saw and am pretty handy with a rack and a spade too.  I have kept my business running, started 2 new jobs, lost 15kg's, started and maintained my aqua jogging regime 4 mornings a week and through that and my job meet new people.

And yet .......... 

I find myself wondering when people ask how I'm doing if I'm actually being honest when I say I'm doing well. 

I guess all things considered I am doing well and yet how do I explain that the biggest thing I struggle with is loneliness.  That there is a HUGE empty ache in my heart.  

Now I know that some of you will say that I need to look to the Lord to fill that ache and I know that He does and will, on a spiritual level.  What about on a physical level?  I am 50 years old (young), I was engaged at 17 and married at 19 to a wonderful man for almost 30 years.  I expected we would spend our lives together until we were old and grey, but now I'm alone and I hate it - there I've said it.  I hate being alone.  I have conquered many thing over this last year except this one thing - loneliness.  How do you get over the empty feeling of having once been the love of someones life and now you're not because they're gone?  How do you get over the loneliness of coming home to an empty house day after day, of having no one to share with, to discuss  things with and to spend evenings with?  No one to take you out on 'date night', to walk along the beach with or to go away on a romantic weekend with.  How do you get over the loneliness of an empty bed night after night and waking to that same empty bed morning after morning, to no hand to hold, no arms to hold you tight, no kissing, no cuddling, no intimacy and no sex (blush! there I've said that too)?  

I mourn deeply today for all these things that I no longer have.  The thought of living my life alone brings me to tears.  Will that loneliness ever go away??????  I'm not sure since I'm only 1 year into this journey.  I know I have weeks where the loneliness is buried deep and I just get on with life.  Maybe because of what today is the feeling are much more raw and the loneliness is so much more profound.  I pray daily that the Lord will give me the strength and the courage to face the days, weeks, months and years ahead no matter what they bring.  That He will quiet the longing in my soul and grant me His peace.

Maybe this blog should have come with a warning at the beginning about a soul being laid bare!!  As I said earlier today actually this past week has been about reflecting on the year that has been and although it has been a year of growth and many, many, many blessings it has also been a year of struggle as well and I guess I just needed to share that part of it in this blog - I always feel much better once I've put things into words..

I do want to take a moment to say a HUGE thank you to all those who take the time to read my blog every time I post something - I know it's not always that exciting but thanks for following my journey.  To those who have supported me during this past year with their prayers, cards, visits, words of encouragement, acts of service and gifts - thank you.  I feel very blessed by each and every one of you and you have all made this journey that much easier to travel. May the Lord bless you.

In 4 minutes it'll be a new day and in a way the beginning of a new year.  So Happy New Year to me - lol!!!

Time to get some sleep or Noah and I will both be taking a nap tomorrow.

Till next time.

Love and blessings

Tuesday, 3 June 2014

I started this post yesterday, but it didn't really flow so I decided to leave it and try again today (Tuesday).  I was feeling a bit discombobulated yesterday - I'm not really sure why, although I am starting to suspect that the trip to Wellington may have had something to do with it.  I may have to test my theory but popping down that way again soon.

On Sunday we (Aimee, Richard, Noah and I) went down to Wellington for the day - the weather there was stunning with not a breath of wind.  We went to church first - always wonderful to catch up with the lovely people at the Reformed Church of Wellington, many who hold a very special place in my heart - hence why I think I feel a bit unsettled. :0(  After church we went to Jesse and Hannah's for lunch before going to see Dad N to celebrate his 89th birthday.  He seems to be settling in well in the new rest home and it was lovely to have been able to spend an hour or so with him on his special day.  The rest home had set up an area for us in the dinning room and had even provided afternoon tea which was really nice.

The past week has gone well.  I started my teacher aide job at Kindy on a very, very cold Wednesday morning last week.  After 2 hours of being outside I was frozen stiff - it always amazes me how children don't feel the cold and run around on bare feet and in T-shirts with snotty noses.  My kidney's ache just thinking about it. It took me ages to warm up once I got home.  I have decided to take some immune booster cause I see my self being sick come the next school holidays - that's how it's always gone in the past when I worked at Kindy.  I think the little girl and I will get on fine once she gets used to me.  For the time being her Dad will be staying too which is ok.  On Friday she wasn't there but I had a meeting with the Group Special Ed coordinator and have also spoken to one of the Kindy teachers to see if there will be things for me to do on the days then the child is away  because otherwise I feel a bit like a fifth wheel in a center already overrun by teachers and parent helpers.  Time will tell how this will all work out and as it is not a permanent position I continue to apply for jobs.  In fact today I have applied for 2 more jobs.  I'll keep you posted.

On Thursday and Friday afternoons Noah came to visit while his mama and papa were working on the cakes they are making for a competition. Noah is a happy wee chappy who brightens my day and keeps me on my toes.  It is amazing watching a young child develop, explore and grow in understanding about the world they live in. Maybe we have more time to enjoy these stages with our grandchildren than we did with our own children because then we were so busy raising them.

It was nice on Sat to be able to pottered around home - I did some baking to take down to Wellington, caught up on the washing and even did some sewing as I had an order for an apron which still needed to be made -  the sewing went well and has helped me feel inspired to sew again - I've found my sewing mojo it was hiding under a pile of fabric!!  At 4pm I decided to mow the back lawn as it was getting a bit long - it started as an I'll just do this one piece cause it's the longest but quickly progresses to just doing this piece, then that piece and before I knew it I'd done the whole back lawn.  Of course it's never as simple as just quickly mowing the lawn - first I have to pooper scoop (the joys of having a dog!!) and then I have to pick up all the lemons and oranges that keep falling off the trees - they aren't good for the compost as it become to acidic or so I've been told.  Then  when I'm all done, because I have been well taught by my Dad, the lawn mower and the catcher got a hose out so they go away clean. Buy 5 o'clock I was all done and very happy with the way everything was looking. Leftovers for dinner - that's one thing I really hate, cooking for one.  I often still make too much and usually I have no idea what to make.  I'm not a very adventurous cook really.

I have finally had a Skype session with Ryan, Ineke and Inge which was really nice.  It was great to hear how things were going for them over in England and to spend some time chatting with them.  Roll on Dec when they will be back.

Yesterday I looked after Noah at my place instead of at his as Aimee and Richard needed to continue working on the competition cakes with the help of Richard's Nana.  These cakes are going to be a-mazing if the sewing machine cake I got for my birthday is anything to go by.  When I'm allowed I'll post some photos.

I think I might have overdone it while aqua-jogging this morning and I now have an achy shoulder blade.  I could really do with a massage right now to work out the knot.  I might just have to heat a wheat pack and use that instead since there are no handy hands to help out.

Well I'm off to do some crochet - I have a baby shawl to finish before baby Nugteren makes his appearance.  Then next on my list is to finish the birth sample cross stitch for Noah that way I can start the one for baby Nugteren - plenty to do.

Thanks to those who continue to take the time to read what I write.  Have a great week and let your light sign.

Love and blessings