Do you find that the weather affects your mood??  It does mine.  Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday were overcast and gloomy days and my mood was the same.  Tears came easily and I missed Roy terribly.  Thursday the sun was shining and I felt much, much better and the rest of the week went reasonably well.

On Sat I had an afternoon out with my youngest son and his girlfriend which was really nice.

I have been wondering this past week - who am I now????  I know I am still a daughter, a mother, and an oma but I am no longer a wife.   I did not die when Roy did, I am still very much alive and I am a valuable person.  The way of life I had with Roy is gone and I have to begin again.  I am a single women looking to 'reinvent' herself.   Many of the things that were true about me when I was married are still true now - I am still a daughter of the King, I still have the same gifts, interests, abilities, and passions that I have always had.  Roy's death has not changed who I essentially am and yet it has, for now I am single and must learn new skills including living life on my own.  I sometimes wonder if I can cope with life alone and then I remember that I can because the Lord will supply all my needs.  Lord's Day 1 comes to mind - "What is your only comfort in life and death?" - "That I belong, body and soul to my faithful Saviour Jesus Christ"  I don't belong to a husband, I don't belong to my parents and I don't belong to my children - I belong to my faithful Saviour.  What a comfort.

In Psalm 23 the psalmist talks about travelling through a valley and that is what I am presently doing.  The Lord is my shepherd and He is with me and one day I will come through this valley to the other side and I will be a new and stronger me, happy, fulfilled, content and maybe even, Lord willing, I will be able to love again.

Today during my walk I heard the following song by MercyMe on my iphone and the words are just beautiful.

Bring the Rain – by MercyMe

I can count a million times

People asking me how I
Can praise You with all that I've gone through
The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You
Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times
So I pray

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain

I am Yours regardless of
The dark clouds that may loom above
Because You are much greater than my pain
You who made a way for me
By suffering Your destiny
So tell me what's a little rain
So I pray

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain

Holy, holy, holy
Is the Lord God Almighty

Here is the YouTube link if you want to have a listen http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m17af0XmPFo

My evening devotion on Wed was entitled Never Forsaken - which is pretty apt for 2 reasons - the 1st being that even though I may be lonely I am not alone as I feel the Lord's presence daily and  2nd those are the words on the plaque on my front door - I made it as a gift for Roy when we first heard that the cancer had returned and he needed to have his bladder removed.  I found the text when reading Psalm 9 - "Those who know your name trust in you, for you, Lord, have never forsaken those who seek you."

Wow this has become a bit of a deep blog this time.  The book I recently got from my niece talked about the importance of journaling as a way of working through grief and I guess this blog is my way of sorting my thoughts and feeling out.  If anyone out there is travelling a similar path as I am I can recommend  the book "Getting to the Other Side of Grief - Overcoming the Loss of a Spouse" by  Susan J. Zonnebelt-Smeenge and Robert C. De Vries - The authors, a clinical psychologist and a pastor and professor, offer comfort and guidance to those mourning their spouse's death. Both suffered the loss of a spouse at a relatively young age, and their empathy, combined with psychological insights, biblical observations, and male and female perspectives, help readers experience grief in the healthiest, most complete way.

Well that's it for tonight.  I'm off on a wee holiday and I'll tell you all about it when I get back.

Till next time.

Love and blessings
Jolanda