Last week I had a pretty good week when I compare it to the week before. I am starting to get a routine of sorts. Well actually some days I have a routine and other days I don't - but that's ok. On Tuesday I had a day out and was pampered by my sister in law, she gave me a facial, eye lashes tinted, eyebrows done and a neck and shoulder massage - I felt like a million bucks when she was done. I also had cuddles with little Noah which always brightens my day.
I am learning a lot about running a business, somethings by trial and error, well more error really - like you shouldn't close the bank account that the eftpos machine funds go into - that was definitely not my brightest moment!! I am now in the process of setting up a new business account, but that is taking time since the rules changed this year - on the 1st of July :0( The ball is now rolling and I am hopeful to have that all up and running again by the beginning of next week. Customers have been very understanding and most come with cash so I am still making sales which is nice.
Although I had a good week last week I didn't have good nights - often waking because of things churning around and around in my head - I even tried the make a list thing, but that didn't help - sleep tea does help a bit and a glass of red wine helps even better ;0)
Ryan and Inge came for the weekend and that was a nice distraction, nothing like a busy 2 year old to keep you occupied - it was pretty quiet when they left though which was a bit hard.
I know I've written it before but being alone sucks. It really, really, really sucks and I don't like it at all. Although there are some things I am finding easier to do like going to bed alone and getting up in the morning, there are so many things that I miss, some of them things that over the years I've probably taken for granted. Some of them silly everyday things. I miss having someone to cook for and do washing for and generally care for. I miss folding washing that doesn't belong to just me. I miss having someone to bounce ideas off, someone who appreciates my sense of humour and quick retorts. I miss the cup of tea I'd get in the morning and the kiss I'd get when I got home, I miss the hand I held when going for a walk and the arms that would hold me when I needed a cuddle or in those just because moments. I miss intimacy and passion. I miss my other half.
I have never been on my own before - a free agent so to speak and I take my hat off to those who for whatever reasons have been alone all their lives and to those men and women who have traveled similar paths as I do now and have come out the other side and are 'comfortable' in their lonesomeness. I feel great sympathy and sadness for those who although married are still very much alone and have learnt to cope with it.
Marriage and life has it's up and downs and isn't always easy. Sometimes we get frustrated with those nearest and dearest to us and we wish, even if just for a second, that we were 'free', but I assure you that that 'freedom' is not all it's cracked up to be. Appreciate and love those close to you in your life because when they're gone I can tell you that you'll miss even those irritating little habits they had that used to drive you nuts.
As I mentioned at the beginning of this blog today was one month since Roy's death - probably not the best day to have an appointment with Winz re organising the widows benefit, but it had to be done. It was a really hard meeting - not because the case manager wasn't unsympathetic, but I was just a bit more emotional today. I was also pleased that my appointment was today rather than next week because that is when the 'changes to the system' take effect. At present I am 'allowed' 3 months before I need to start looking for a job, I can get an extension if I get a Doc's certificate. As from next week the time will be cut to 4 week!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! How can they expect a person who has lost their partner to be ready to actively start looking for employment after 4 weeks - unbelievable!!!!!!!!!!! I feel a letter to the minister of social development (or whatever she is) coming on ;0)
We finally got everything sorted out and I am now waiting for the official letter letting me know how much I am entitled to receive. I know that eventually I will have to find a job, should the business not be enough to live from, so I am very pleased to at least have another 2 months, but also feel that I shouldn't be pressured into this and I'll know when I am ready to face this next chapter in my life.
My prayer is that God will show me what His will is for my life and that He will open and close the doors so that His plan may be fulfilled.
It is hard to think that good will come out of this time of suffering and loss when my heart knows only sorrow and tear. It is hard to see that one day my sorrow will be replaced with happiness and joy. With the Lord's help I will find my new 'self' and I will discover that I have become not only wiser and stronger but also the person God has called me to be.
"Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved.