Week 2 - Thursday Update.

I'm not sure if I'm up to writing today's blog as I am feeling pretty drained.  Today has been a much more difficult and emotional day than I had expected. and some of the emotions that I've felt last night and today have also been ones that I didn't expect.  Lots of tears have been shed in frustration, sadness and anger today.

Yes today the emotion I was surprised to feel was anger.  I am angry that Roy is leaving me, I'm angry that we wont get to celebrate anymore of life's milestones together, and I'm angry that Roy is leaving me with so much 'stuff' to sort out - stuff that I am finding totally overwhelming and very daunting and hard to get my head around, because it's all stuff that he always did and that he was sure he would get sorted in time and now he hasn't and can't.  So today I have shed tears of bitterness, I have at times felt overwhelmed to the point of despair and I just want this to all go away because I don't think I can survive this.  I know that God is in control and that He has everything worked out and that I need to trust in Him, but today that trusting has been hard to do.

Roy continues to slowly decline. Today he ate very little, he is unable to walk unaided or use the bathroom unaided.  He has however had a busy day with the family spending a lot of time with him.  It was decided to move him to a bigger room to accommodate us all.  Ryan, Ineke and Inge are here for a few days and so is sister in law Helen.  A very good friend also brought Roy's Mum up for a visit and although I know it was extremely hard for her to see her youngest son slipping away, it was also good for both of them.  Aimee, Richard and little Noah were also there so it was a full house.  Roy slept off  and on through out the day, but he did seem to enjoy having everyone there.  Having Inge and Noah there is a good distractions for us all.

We did take a walk outside at lunchtime which Roy enjoyed.  We talked about heaven and how beautiful it would be and Roy said 'at least it wont be cold'.  I told him I was a little envious that he was going to be there before me and he said he'd see me there in the twinkling of an eye.

Tomorrow I want to ask the doctor if she thinks there is any possibility of Roy coming home, because if not than I want to arrange for the bed and other stuff to be picked back up.  Also tomorrow Helen hopes to take both Roy's parents up to see him (Roy's dad is not very mobile and in a rest home)  and our youngest son Joel will also be popping up after work to see his Pa.

I really need to go to bed as I'm starting to not think very straight because I'm so tired.

Thank you for listening.

Love and blessings
Jolanda

PS: I'm not proof reading tonight so please excuse any mistakes.