I thought I'd try and write something on here today but I'm not really sure what to write or where to start.

How do I write about a week of my life that I wish I'd never had to experience.  A week that although it has been filled with laughter has also been filled with overwhelming heart wrenching grief.

Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday were filled with funeral preparations, sorting out 'stuff' like Winz, the IRD, the banks etc etc.  Things are moving along but everyone needs a death certificate before things can be finalised and that will all take time so everything is a little in limbo.  I am so blessed to have wonderful children and children in law who took over organising so many things for me so I could concentrate on the important things that only I could see to.

On Monday Thursday seemed so far away, but it arrived so very fast.  We had had beautiful weather up until then but on Thursday it was cold and rainy - I think the angels wept with us yesterday.

The funeral service was beautiful - Roy would have loved it.  A HUGE thank you to Pastor John for the simple yet powerful message he gave based on a text that Roy had chosen from John 14:1-6.  It doesn't matter how good you have been in this life or how many kind deeds you do if you don't have Jesus Christ as Lord and Saviour you have nothing and there is no way you'll to get into heaven.

It was very hard walking into the church and seeing the coffin up the front draped with Roy's campfire blanket and his hat. Little did I know that a harder moment was still to come.  A John Denver song was playing and when I heard the words I remember thinking how appropriate they were - I think the song was 'Perhaps Love' but I can't remember anymore.

Roy's brother Henry spoke about Roy as a youngster esp about him wanting to change his name from Chris to Roy as he didn't like being called Chris.  He finally did this when he was 18.  Even as a little guy Roy was into collecting things and doing statistics.  Both Tim and Ryan spoke about their Dad and they did so well - Roy would have been proud and honored by what they had to say.  Ryan included a beautiful poem which I will add at the bottom of this post.

I want to say a HUGE thank you to all who attended Roy's funeral.  I was blown away by the number of people who I haven't seen in a long time and who took time out of their day to be there, many having traveled long distances - you guys rock and it made my day to say hi and share a hug with you all.

On our way to the cemetery we drove past our home and as a mark of respect the hearse slowed right down as it went past.  It was a very moving and tearful moment.  The burial was way harder then I expected esp when Roy's coffin was lowered into the ground. Although I knew that he was no longer there, the finality of that moment was heartbreaking.

When we arrived home the house was full to overflowing, and although the day before I had thought it would be ok I actually couldn't face it.  I think I had used all my bravery to face the funeral, the burial  and all the people and I had no bravery left.

I was also overwhelmed with a sudden sense of loneliness.  You can be in a room full of people who you know love you, and yet you feel totally alone. No longer is there someone in that crowd who belongs totally to you. I no longer have someone to share that special look with that says I love you and I want you.  I no longer have someone to share my inner most secrets with or intimate moments.  I am alone. Even when I'm with people I love I am alone.  As I lay alone in bed last night I thought of the song by the Donut Man that my children used to sing - Life without Jesus is like a donut - there's a hole in the middle of your heart.  That's how I feel without Roy - there's a hole in the middle of my heart.

I didn't sleep very well last night and this morning when I woke up reality hit home that I'm 49 years old and I'm a widow - this is not how it was meant to be and it makes me sad and just a little bit angry.

I thank God for my wonderful children and their spouses, my darling grand-children who have been a wonderful distraction over the last few days, my wider family and good friends who continue to not only encourage and support me, but who daily pray for me as well.

I feel a great sense of relief that Roy's suffering is over and that he is now in glory with his Lord and although I know that the Lord has a plan for my life the future scares me a little as I have never had to walk it alone - humanly speaking.

I'll finish with the poem that Ryan read and that Roy would agree with.

Feel no guilt in laughter, he'd know how much you care.
Feel no sorrow in a smile that he is not here to share.
You cannot grieve forever; he would not want you to.
He'd hope that you could carry on the way you always do.
So, talk about the good times and the way you showed you cared,
The days you spent together, all the happiness you shared.
Let memories surround you, a word someone may say
Will suddenly recapture a time, an hour, a day,
That brings him back as clearly as though he were still here,
And fills you with the feeling that he is always near.
For if you keep those moments, you will never be apart
And he will live forever locked safely within your heart.

Love and blessings till next time.
Jolanda