Hello everyone, time to do some blogging again - is that actually a word????

Last week was the roughest week so far and I'm pleased it's over.  Monday saw me having a total meltdown, the trigger being that I had no hot water when I went to take my morning shower - I thought the cylinder had finally given up as it is pretty old.  As I said this 'smallish issue' caused lots of tears and a rather hysterical phone call to my parents who very quickly came to my aid - love them so much.  The electrician was called and he finally came at 4.30pm - I'd stayed home all day waiting for him. :0(  He was really nice and knew my youngest son.  He found out that it was a blown pole fuse which he couldn't fix himself so he contacted Electra but didn't know when they would be able to come and fix it was they were backlogged because of the bad weather over the weekend.  Thankfully they did come even though it was dark and by 10.30pm I had hot water again.

Looking back now I definitely over reacted but at the time it was the straw that broke the camels back so to speak.  Sometimes it doesn't take much to tip you over the edge.

Tuesday saw me packing for a few days away with a friend.  I had a lovely time but I think maybe in hindsight it was a bit to early to be doing something like that.  Coming home on the Thursday was hard and to make things even harder I received Roy's death certificate that day.  Although you want it to come because you need it to get all the official stuff done there is a finality to actually having the piece of paper in your hand.  No longer can I pretend that Roy is away on an extended trip and that he'll eventually be home - the reality is that Roy is already home with his Lord and I'm the one away - still travelling.

Friday saw me doing another first which was to go to the Post Office.  I have been dreading going there because it would mean seeing people who knew Roy but eventually you have to face these things too and it wasn't as hard as I'd thought it would be.

Friday night and Sat morning were filled with lots and lots and lots of tears and to be honest I'm not really sure why.  I just felt terribly alone and adrift, not angry but very very sad.  The loneliness is something that is actually really, really hard to describe, and I think for someone who isn't in this situation it's really hard to understand too.  The grey weather didn't help my mood at all either.

What a blessing in times of feeling down family is.  My Dad came and fixed the letterbox and now the mail will stay dry - thanks Dad.  Then my brother and sister-in law popped in on Sat afternoon.  While Ron and I got stuck into the accounts my darling SIL did a spot of gardening for me - thanks so much hun.  Ron and I made very good progress (Roy wasn't quite as organised as I'd first thought) and we are about ready to fill in the much needed tax forms - what a relief it will be to have them done as then I can actually move ahead with what I want to do with the business.

A friend once told me that I needed to make sure I grieved good grief rather than bad grief, because Satan will use the bad grief to encourage you to wallow in self pity, depression and to turn you against the Lord.  Last night in my quiet time before bed I prayed that the Lord would give me peace, remove my negative grief and sorrow and give me a positive outlook on my new life and He has.  What an awesome loving God we serve.

Today I have had an awesome day.

I went to church this morning with joy in my heart, sat in our usual spot - alone - and it was fine, no tears at all during any of the service.  After church I came home, had lunch and then I took Jack for a nice long walk in the sunshine at the dog park wearing my funky new pink gumboots - I'm glad I wore them cause the park was pretty wet and boggy in places.  I just pottered for the rest of the afternoon reading and doing some knitting.  I feel content, at peace and ready to face tomorrow and the days to come.

I'm still going to take one day at a time and I know that there will probably still be many days of tears, frustrations and hardships, but I'm going to try to look forward and not back - saves you from tripping up and falling on your face.  I can't change the past - the Lord for His reasons has called Roy to be with Him - He probably had some statistics that needed doing ;0)  and although I might not like it or understand why, it is something I can't change, but with the Lord's help I can shape my future into a future that will eventually be full of happiness again, a future that will bring glory and honour to the Lord. He has some exciting things in store for me I'm sure ;0)

I want to take this opportunity to say a great BIG thank you to everyone who attended Roy's funeral your presence meant more than words can say.  Also many many thanks for the cards, flowers, gifts, thoughts and prayers my family and I have received during the last few weeks.  I feel truly blessed, loved and honoured to know that so many of you care and continue to think and pray for us.

Wishing you all a blessed week.  Till next time.

Love and hugs
Jolanda