Just so you know I'm doing ok - most of the time.

Some days are easier than others and will continue to be so. I have decided that I need to travel this journey at my pace and no one elses. I will take one day at a time, doing what I can when I feel I can and what I want when I want.  I know that many of you are concerned about me and although I do sincerely appreciate your encouragement and your wanting to help, please be understanding when I decline an offer you make to me and please don't pressure me into doing something that you think will be good for me, because honestly until you stand in my shoes ......................!!

I know that eventually I will need to get out there and in time with the Lord's help I will,  I can't pretend that life is normal because it isn't and it will never be normal again.  I have to find my new normal and that will take time - how much time I don't know, but I think slowly but surely I will know when I am ready to take certain steps in my life and move forward.

A friend sent the me following:
"Today I am thankful for butterflies.... not only for their beauty but also for their reminder that beauty can come from something not so beautiful given time..... 
Sometimes we might feel like a caterpillar.... worthless and feeling like all we do is eat and sleep, or our circumstances may overwhelm us and feel like its just too hard ... we might even start to hibernate from the world for a while but with God and time and love of family and friends we can start to come out of our cocoon and start to spread our wings and fly like a beautiful butterfly.
Never give up hope of a new tomorrow.... His mercies are new every morning."

So for a while I'll be a caterpillar, but one day with the Lord's help I'll blossom into a butterfly.

I've decided I hate mornings - actually I've never been a morning person, but now it's become way harder to face them.  The weather doesn't help either.  Evening aren't so bad as I keep busy reading a book, Facebooking, blogging or watching a bit of TV, but waking up in an empty bed to an empty house is very hard.  Roy spoilt me by bringing me a cup of tea almost every morning since we've been married (that's a lot of cups of tea!!) and although he wasn't able to do it anymore the last month or so I did it instead for him and I miss it.  It's only because Jack sits next to the bed looking sad and hungry that I get up.

That's the other thing I'm finding lately - food has no appeal at all.  I eat because I know I must and not because I'm hungry. Cooking for 1 sucks too.  Thank goodness Joel is keen to come for dinner a couple of times a week.  The upside is I'm going to need to go clothes shopping soon ;0)

I am slowly making headway with the business accounts - I need to get these sorted so I can pay the tax man. Roy had actually done much more than I though which is a real blessing.  On Monday I had my appointment with Winz and the lady gave me forms to fill in with a list of paperwork that I need to bring along and I see her again on the 8th July.  I have also decided to take the house off the market I don't need the stress of that at the moment and I am actually very happy to carry on living here.  I'm amazed how many Rawleigh customers I've had this past week even though I haven't had the sign out yet - another first I am putting off.  Maybe next week.

My brother mentioned that we now have a personal connection to heaven what with Roy being there and we got to talking about the people he will be meeting like his brother Jim and others that have gone before - we suddenly realised that he's now also meet Moses, Noah, David, Peter, John, Paul and so many other people from the Bible who we often forget are also in heaven.  What an awesome thought.  It makes me smile every-time I think about it.

I thought today might be hard being one week since Roy's funeral, but it has gone really well.  I decided to go out for a while so I went to the library to get some books to read and did some groceries.  It felt good to be out and about for a bit even if it was cold and wet.  Another little step.

Well that's all the wonderings for this week.

For those of you living in NZ stay warm.

Love and blessings
Jolanda