Hello everyone, time to do some blogging again - is that actually a word????
Last week was the roughest week so far and I'm pleased it's over. Monday saw me having a total meltdown, the trigger being that I had no hot water when I went to take my morning shower - I thought the cylinder had finally given up as it is pretty old. As I said this 'smallish issue' caused lots of tears and a rather hysterical phone call to my parents who very quickly came to my aid - love them so much. The electrician was called and he finally came at 4.30pm - I'd stayed home all day waiting for him. :0( He was really nice and knew my youngest son. He found out that it was a blown pole fuse which he couldn't fix himself so he contacted Electra but didn't know when they would be able to come and fix it was they were backlogged because of the bad weather over the weekend. Thankfully they did come even though it was dark and by 10.30pm I had hot water again.
Looking back now I definitely over reacted but at the time it was the straw that broke the camels back so to speak. Sometimes it doesn't take much to tip you over the edge.
Tuesday saw me packing for a few days away with a friend. I had a lovely time but I think maybe in hindsight it was a bit to early to be doing something like that. Coming home on the Thursday was hard and to make things even harder I received Roy's death certificate that day. Although you want it to come because you need it to get all the official stuff done there is a finality to actually having the piece of paper in your hand. No longer can I pretend that Roy is away on an extended trip and that he'll eventually be home - the reality is that Roy is already home with his Lord and I'm the one away - still travelling.
Friday saw me doing another first which was to go to the Post Office. I have been dreading going there because it would mean seeing people who knew Roy but eventually you have to face these things too and it wasn't as hard as I'd thought it would be.
Friday night and Sat morning were filled with lots and lots and lots of tears and to be honest I'm not really sure why. I just felt terribly alone and adrift, not angry but very very sad. The loneliness is something that is actually really, really hard to describe, and I think for someone who isn't in this situation it's really hard to understand too. The grey weather didn't help my mood at all either.
What a blessing in times of feeling down family is. My Dad came and fixed the letterbox and now the mail will stay dry - thanks Dad. Then my brother and sister-in law popped in on Sat afternoon. While Ron and I got stuck into the accounts my darling SIL did a spot of gardening for me - thanks so much hun. Ron and I made very good progress (Roy wasn't quite as organised as I'd first thought) and we are about ready to fill in the much needed tax forms - what a relief it will be to have them done as then I can actually move ahead with what I want to do with the business.
A friend once told me that I needed to make sure I grieved good grief rather than bad grief, because Satan will use the bad grief to encourage you to wallow in self pity, depression and to turn you against the Lord. Last night in my quiet time before bed I prayed that the Lord would give me peace, remove my negative grief and sorrow and give me a positive outlook on my new life and He has. What an awesome loving God we serve.
Today I have had an awesome day.
I went to church this morning with joy in my heart, sat in our usual spot - alone - and it was fine, no tears at all during any of the service. After church I came home, had lunch and then I took Jack for a nice long walk in the sunshine at the dog park wearing my funky new pink gumboots - I'm glad I wore them cause the park was pretty wet and boggy in places. I just pottered for the rest of the afternoon reading and doing some knitting. I feel content, at peace and ready to face tomorrow and the days to come.
I'm still going to take one day at a time and I know that there will probably still be many days of tears, frustrations and hardships, but I'm going to try to look forward and not back - saves you from tripping up and falling on your face. I can't change the past - the Lord for His reasons has called Roy to be with Him - He probably had some statistics that needed doing ;0) and although I might not like it or understand why, it is something I can't change, but with the Lord's help I can shape my future into a future that will eventually be full of happiness again, a future that will bring glory and honour to the Lord. He has some exciting things in store for me I'm sure ;0)
I want to take this opportunity to say a great BIG thank you to everyone who attended Roy's funeral your presence meant more than words can say. Also many many thanks for the cards, flowers, gifts, thoughts and prayers my family and I have received during the last few weeks. I feel truly blessed, loved and honoured to know that so many of you care and continue to think and pray for us.
Wishing you all a blessed week. Till next time.
Love and hugs
Jolanda
Sunday, 30 June 2013
Sunday, 23 June 2013
Another first under my belt this weekend with a family wedding on Sat. It was cold, wet and did I mention that is was cold???!!! Despite the weather it was wonderful to witness the marriage of two young people who obviously have not only a great love for each other but also for their Lord and Saviour - may God be the center of your marriage Ray and Emma, may His Word be your guide throughout your life together and even when the hard times come - which they will - may you lean more and more on Him as your source of strength and comfort. Blessing and much love to you both.
The weather today has been glorious with blue sky and sunshine - what a contrast to yesterday.
Today I notched up a second by going to church again - thanks for your company Ryan and Ineke. And even more amazingly there were no tears at all during the whole service. One of the songs we sang this morning spoke a lot to me and gave me great comfort and I'd just like to share the words with you. It's entitled I Heard the Voice of Jesus Say by Horatius Bonar
The weather today has been glorious with blue sky and sunshine - what a contrast to yesterday.
Today I notched up a second by going to church again - thanks for your company Ryan and Ineke. And even more amazingly there were no tears at all during the whole service. One of the songs we sang this morning spoke a lot to me and gave me great comfort and I'd just like to share the words with you. It's entitled I Heard the Voice of Jesus Say by Horatius Bonar
- I heard the voice of Jesus say,
“Come unto Me and rest;
Lay down, thou weary one, lay down
Thy head upon My breast.”
I came to Jesus as I was,
Weary and worn and sad;
I found in Him a resting place,
And He has made me glad. - I heard the voice of Jesus say,
“Behold, I freely give
The living water; thirsty one,
Stoop down, and drink, and live.”
I came to Jesus, and I drank
Of that life-giving stream;
My thirst was quenched, my soul revived,
And now I live in Him. - I heard the voice of Jesus say,
“I am this dark world’s Light;
Look unto Me, thy morn shall rise,
And all thy day be bright.”
I looked to Jesus, and I found
In Him my Star, my Sun;
And in that light of life I’ll walk,
Till trav’ling days are done.
Late one evening this past week I had a total meltdown. I was so overwhelmed by everything that has happened, everything that I have to face in the days, weeks, months and years to come, worry as to what the future may hold and this terrible loneliness. In desperation I cried out to the Lord and surrendered it all to Him - my cares, my worries, my sorrow, my loneliness and my future - because I knew that I could no longer carry that HUGE burden and survive and that I could trust Him with it all.
Do I feel better? Yes.
Do I still feel lonely? Yes at times I do, not because the Lord isn't there because I do feel His presence and nearness but because there is no physical presence of someone in my life anymore.
Do and will I still have moments of deep despair and sorrow? Yes of course I am grieving a great loss, but, I also have many, many moments of happiness, laughter and joy and that's when as the words of the hymn above say I know I have found my resting place in Him, He has made me glad for He is my Star and my Sun and in His light I'll walk till my travelling days on this earth are done.
I want to say thank you for the feedback I've been getting about my blog and also for taking the time to read it. My prayer is that each one of you who read this blog may come to trust the Lord with and in all aspects of your life and for those of you who haven't done so yet that you will accept the living water He so freely gives making Him the Lord of your life - for only in Him will you find true freedom and peace.
"For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life." John 3:16
What an awesome and amazing gift.
Love and blessings
Jolanda
Thursday, 20 June 2013
Just so you know I'm doing ok - most of the time.
Some days are easier than others and will continue to be so. I have decided that I need to travel this journey at my pace and no one elses. I will take one day at a time, doing what I can when I feel I can and what I want when I want. I know that many of you are concerned about me and although I do sincerely appreciate your encouragement and your wanting to help, please be understanding when I decline an offer you make to me and please don't pressure me into doing something that you think will be good for me, because honestly until you stand in my shoes ......................!!
I know that eventually I will need to get out there and in time with the Lord's help I will, I can't pretend that life is normal because it isn't and it will never be normal again. I have to find my new normal and that will take time - how much time I don't know, but I think slowly but surely I will know when I am ready to take certain steps in my life and move forward.
A friend sent the me following:
"Today I am thankful for butterflies.... not only for their beauty but also for their reminder that beauty can come from something not so beautiful given time.....
Sometimes we might feel like a caterpillar.... worthless and feeling like all we do is eat and sleep, or our circumstances may overwhelm us and feel like its just too hard ... we might even start to hibernate from the world for a while but with God and time and love of family and friends we can start to come out of our cocoon and start to spread our wings and fly like a beautiful butterfly.
Never give up hope of a new tomorrow.... His mercies are new every morning."
So for a while I'll be a caterpillar, but one day with the Lord's help I'll blossom into a butterfly.
I've decided I hate mornings - actually I've never been a morning person, but now it's become way harder to face them. The weather doesn't help either. Evening aren't so bad as I keep busy reading a book, Facebooking, blogging or watching a bit of TV, but waking up in an empty bed to an empty house is very hard. Roy spoilt me by bringing me a cup of tea almost every morning since we've been married (that's a lot of cups of tea!!) and although he wasn't able to do it anymore the last month or so I did it instead for him and I miss it. It's only because Jack sits next to the bed looking sad and hungry that I get up.
That's the other thing I'm finding lately - food has no appeal at all. I eat because I know I must and not because I'm hungry. Cooking for 1 sucks too. Thank goodness Joel is keen to come for dinner a couple of times a week. The upside is I'm going to need to go clothes shopping soon ;0)
I am slowly making headway with the business accounts - I need to get these sorted so I can pay the tax man. Roy had actually done much more than I though which is a real blessing. On Monday I had my appointment with Winz and the lady gave me forms to fill in with a list of paperwork that I need to bring along and I see her again on the 8th July. I have also decided to take the house off the market I don't need the stress of that at the moment and I am actually very happy to carry on living here. I'm amazed how many Rawleigh customers I've had this past week even though I haven't had the sign out yet - another first I am putting off. Maybe next week.
My brother mentioned that we now have a personal connection to heaven what with Roy being there and we got to talking about the people he will be meeting like his brother Jim and others that have gone before - we suddenly realised that he's now also meet Moses, Noah, David, Peter, John, Paul and so many other people from the Bible who we often forget are also in heaven. What an awesome thought. It makes me smile every-time I think about it.
I thought today might be hard being one week since Roy's funeral, but it has gone really well. I decided to go out for a while so I went to the library to get some books to read and did some groceries. It felt good to be out and about for a bit even if it was cold and wet. Another little step.
Well that's all the wonderings for this week.
For those of you living in NZ stay warm.
Love and blessings
Jolanda
Some days are easier than others and will continue to be so. I have decided that I need to travel this journey at my pace and no one elses. I will take one day at a time, doing what I can when I feel I can and what I want when I want. I know that many of you are concerned about me and although I do sincerely appreciate your encouragement and your wanting to help, please be understanding when I decline an offer you make to me and please don't pressure me into doing something that you think will be good for me, because honestly until you stand in my shoes ......................!!
I know that eventually I will need to get out there and in time with the Lord's help I will, I can't pretend that life is normal because it isn't and it will never be normal again. I have to find my new normal and that will take time - how much time I don't know, but I think slowly but surely I will know when I am ready to take certain steps in my life and move forward.
A friend sent the me following:
"Today I am thankful for butterflies.... not only for their beauty but also for their reminder that beauty can come from something not so beautiful given time.....
Sometimes we might feel like a caterpillar.... worthless and feeling like all we do is eat and sleep, or our circumstances may overwhelm us and feel like its just too hard ... we might even start to hibernate from the world for a while but with God and time and love of family and friends we can start to come out of our cocoon and start to spread our wings and fly like a beautiful butterfly.
Never give up hope of a new tomorrow.... His mercies are new every morning."
So for a while I'll be a caterpillar, but one day with the Lord's help I'll blossom into a butterfly.
I've decided I hate mornings - actually I've never been a morning person, but now it's become way harder to face them. The weather doesn't help either. Evening aren't so bad as I keep busy reading a book, Facebooking, blogging or watching a bit of TV, but waking up in an empty bed to an empty house is very hard. Roy spoilt me by bringing me a cup of tea almost every morning since we've been married (that's a lot of cups of tea!!) and although he wasn't able to do it anymore the last month or so I did it instead for him and I miss it. It's only because Jack sits next to the bed looking sad and hungry that I get up.
That's the other thing I'm finding lately - food has no appeal at all. I eat because I know I must and not because I'm hungry. Cooking for 1 sucks too. Thank goodness Joel is keen to come for dinner a couple of times a week. The upside is I'm going to need to go clothes shopping soon ;0)
I am slowly making headway with the business accounts - I need to get these sorted so I can pay the tax man. Roy had actually done much more than I though which is a real blessing. On Monday I had my appointment with Winz and the lady gave me forms to fill in with a list of paperwork that I need to bring along and I see her again on the 8th July. I have also decided to take the house off the market I don't need the stress of that at the moment and I am actually very happy to carry on living here. I'm amazed how many Rawleigh customers I've had this past week even though I haven't had the sign out yet - another first I am putting off. Maybe next week.
My brother mentioned that we now have a personal connection to heaven what with Roy being there and we got to talking about the people he will be meeting like his brother Jim and others that have gone before - we suddenly realised that he's now also meet Moses, Noah, David, Peter, John, Paul and so many other people from the Bible who we often forget are also in heaven. What an awesome thought. It makes me smile every-time I think about it.
I thought today might be hard being one week since Roy's funeral, but it has gone really well. I decided to go out for a while so I went to the library to get some books to read and did some groceries. It felt good to be out and about for a bit even if it was cold and wet. Another little step.
Well that's all the wonderings for this week.
For those of you living in NZ stay warm.
Love and blessings
Jolanda
Sunday, 16 June 2013
Now it's just me, the dog and the cat!
Today Richard and Aimee and Noah headed home and it was suddenly very quiet here. Boy I make it sound like Roy was always making lots of noise which he wasn't, but the last week has been pretty busy so the quiet is noticeable.
I had a bit of a cry after they left but it didn't last long as I received some visitors who stayed for dinner and a lovely long therapeutic chat and I had a phone call from my SIL. Thanks guys. It is so good to share memories, thoughts and feelings with people who care.
This morning I did go to church which was hard but very good. Thanks Pastor John for another awesome sermon. It was a first step. The will be lots of firsts coming up and I'll face each one as they come and with the Lord's help. Some will be easier than others I'm sure, but they will all have to be faced. I can't just hid in bed and ignore the rest of my life - as much as that idea does appeal esp on a cold and wet day like today. God will direct my steps and He will give me only as much as I can handle at any given time. I can trust Him with my future.
Well I'm going to have an early night to catch up on some much needed sleep. Tomorrow is going to be a busy day - a visit to Winz, an afternoon out with very dear friends and then dinner out to round off the day.
Oh in case any of you are interested caustic soda isn't good for your skin even if you think you've washed it off in time - the skin on my hands has gone all flaky and yuck :0( I'm going to need lots of hand cream I think.
Sleep well all.
Love and blessings
Jolanda
The following was on the program that we put together for Roy's funeral.
Today Richard and Aimee and Noah headed home and it was suddenly very quiet here. Boy I make it sound like Roy was always making lots of noise which he wasn't, but the last week has been pretty busy so the quiet is noticeable.
I had a bit of a cry after they left but it didn't last long as I received some visitors who stayed for dinner and a lovely long therapeutic chat and I had a phone call from my SIL. Thanks guys. It is so good to share memories, thoughts and feelings with people who care.
This morning I did go to church which was hard but very good. Thanks Pastor John for another awesome sermon. It was a first step. The will be lots of firsts coming up and I'll face each one as they come and with the Lord's help. Some will be easier than others I'm sure, but they will all have to be faced. I can't just hid in bed and ignore the rest of my life - as much as that idea does appeal esp on a cold and wet day like today. God will direct my steps and He will give me only as much as I can handle at any given time. I can trust Him with my future.
Well I'm going to have an early night to catch up on some much needed sleep. Tomorrow is going to be a busy day - a visit to Winz, an afternoon out with very dear friends and then dinner out to round off the day.
Oh in case any of you are interested caustic soda isn't good for your skin even if you think you've washed it off in time - the skin on my hands has gone all flaky and yuck :0( I'm going to need lots of hand cream I think.
Sleep well all.
Love and blessings
Jolanda
The following was on the program that we put together for Roy's funeral.
Saturday, 15 June 2013
It's been one week! I guess this is the first of many little milestones that I now have to face.
The house is quieter now - Tim and Yvette and Ryan, Ineke and Inge all went home on Friday. Aimee and Richard and Noah will be here till tomorrow and then it'll be just me, the dog and the cat. When I go barking mad you'll know that I've been talking to the dog too long ;0)
Today I did my housework - I know to some this might sound crazy, but for me it's about regaining some control in my otherwise out of control life. It actually felt good to do those mundane chores and it gave me some purpose for the day.
Aimee and I also started to tidy up the garage as I really want to be able to get the car inside again. All the stuff that we used for markets earlier in the year has now been neatly stored away to be sorted at a later date. We also added some things to the already big pile for the Arohanui Hospice Op shop to come and collect and we made another pile that needs to go to the tip. A close encounter with a container of caustic soda whose lid wasn't on properly saw me making a mad dash to the nearest tap to wash the stuff off. Boy that's nasty stuff, I have a few red patches on my arm that I missed when washing.
At the funeral it was mentioned that Roy loved to collect things - bottle tops, match boxes, stamps, coins, flags, pennants, old Rawleigh containers - what was not mentioned was he also collected, manila folders, ring-binders, partially used exercise books (handy for scrap paper) old unused diaries (handy for note taking) and paper - but not just any paper - no this paper includes old bills, receipts, letters, newsletters, instruction manuals and much much more. In all honestly I am very, very tempted to file it all under R for rubbish and set it alight, however I've been advised not to do so as I need to sort out all the papers relating to the business or the tax man may not be too happy. One of these days all that paper and I are going to have an encounter and I'm pretty confident that I'll come out on top, however should that not be the case the match option is always still a possibility, after all accidents do happen!! ;0)
Tomorrow we plan to go to Church - I know it'll be hard, but I need to take that step (another first one alone) sometime and it'll be a bit easier to do it with the support of family. Having seen most of my Church family at the funeral helps too.
After I wrote yesterdays blog I felt this huge sense of peace - I think it was the fact that I had put my thoughts down and it helped to clear my head and sort out how I am feeling.
Thanks to all who continue to read what I write and for your words of encouragement to keep it up.
Wishing you a blessed Lord's day.
Love and hugs,
Jolanda
The house is quieter now - Tim and Yvette and Ryan, Ineke and Inge all went home on Friday. Aimee and Richard and Noah will be here till tomorrow and then it'll be just me, the dog and the cat. When I go barking mad you'll know that I've been talking to the dog too long ;0)
Today I did my housework - I know to some this might sound crazy, but for me it's about regaining some control in my otherwise out of control life. It actually felt good to do those mundane chores and it gave me some purpose for the day.
Aimee and I also started to tidy up the garage as I really want to be able to get the car inside again. All the stuff that we used for markets earlier in the year has now been neatly stored away to be sorted at a later date. We also added some things to the already big pile for the Arohanui Hospice Op shop to come and collect and we made another pile that needs to go to the tip. A close encounter with a container of caustic soda whose lid wasn't on properly saw me making a mad dash to the nearest tap to wash the stuff off. Boy that's nasty stuff, I have a few red patches on my arm that I missed when washing.
At the funeral it was mentioned that Roy loved to collect things - bottle tops, match boxes, stamps, coins, flags, pennants, old Rawleigh containers - what was not mentioned was he also collected, manila folders, ring-binders, partially used exercise books (handy for scrap paper) old unused diaries (handy for note taking) and paper - but not just any paper - no this paper includes old bills, receipts, letters, newsletters, instruction manuals and much much more. In all honestly I am very, very tempted to file it all under R for rubbish and set it alight, however I've been advised not to do so as I need to sort out all the papers relating to the business or the tax man may not be too happy. One of these days all that paper and I are going to have an encounter and I'm pretty confident that I'll come out on top, however should that not be the case the match option is always still a possibility, after all accidents do happen!! ;0)
Tomorrow we plan to go to Church - I know it'll be hard, but I need to take that step (another first one alone) sometime and it'll be a bit easier to do it with the support of family. Having seen most of my Church family at the funeral helps too.
After I wrote yesterdays blog I felt this huge sense of peace - I think it was the fact that I had put my thoughts down and it helped to clear my head and sort out how I am feeling.
Thanks to all who continue to read what I write and for your words of encouragement to keep it up.
Wishing you a blessed Lord's day.
Love and hugs,
Jolanda
Friday, 14 June 2013
I thought I'd try and write something on here today but I'm not really sure what to write or where to start.
How do I write about a week of my life that I wish I'd never had to experience. A week that although it has been filled with laughter has also been filled with overwhelming heart wrenching grief.
Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday were filled with funeral preparations, sorting out 'stuff' like Winz, the IRD, the banks etc etc. Things are moving along but everyone needs a death certificate before things can be finalised and that will all take time so everything is a little in limbo. I am so blessed to have wonderful children and children in law who took over organising so many things for me so I could concentrate on the important things that only I could see to.
On Monday Thursday seemed so far away, but it arrived so very fast. We had had beautiful weather up until then but on Thursday it was cold and rainy - I think the angels wept with us yesterday.
The funeral service was beautiful - Roy would have loved it. A HUGE thank you to Pastor John for the simple yet powerful message he gave based on a text that Roy had chosen from John 14:1-6. It doesn't matter how good you have been in this life or how many kind deeds you do if you don't have Jesus Christ as Lord and Saviour you have nothing and there is no way you'll to get into heaven.
It was very hard walking into the church and seeing the coffin up the front draped with Roy's campfire blanket and his hat. Little did I know that a harder moment was still to come. A John Denver song was playing and when I heard the words I remember thinking how appropriate they were - I think the song was 'Perhaps Love' but I can't remember anymore.
Roy's brother Henry spoke about Roy as a youngster esp about him wanting to change his name from Chris to Roy as he didn't like being called Chris. He finally did this when he was 18. Even as a little guy Roy was into collecting things and doing statistics. Both Tim and Ryan spoke about their Dad and they did so well - Roy would have been proud and honored by what they had to say. Ryan included a beautiful poem which I will add at the bottom of this post.
I want to say a HUGE thank you to all who attended Roy's funeral. I was blown away by the number of people who I haven't seen in a long time and who took time out of their day to be there, many having traveled long distances - you guys rock and it made my day to say hi and share a hug with you all.
On our way to the cemetery we drove past our home and as a mark of respect the hearse slowed right down as it went past. It was a very moving and tearful moment. The burial was way harder then I expected esp when Roy's coffin was lowered into the ground. Although I knew that he was no longer there, the finality of that moment was heartbreaking.
When we arrived home the house was full to overflowing, and although the day before I had thought it would be ok I actually couldn't face it. I think I had used all my bravery to face the funeral, the burial and all the people and I had no bravery left.
I was also overwhelmed with a sudden sense of loneliness. You can be in a room full of people who you know love you, and yet you feel totally alone. No longer is there someone in that crowd who belongs totally to you. I no longer have someone to share that special look with that says I love you and I want you. I no longer have someone to share my inner most secrets with or intimate moments. I am alone. Even when I'm with people I love I am alone. As I lay alone in bed last night I thought of the song by the Donut Man that my children used to sing - Life without Jesus is like a donut - there's a hole in the middle of your heart. That's how I feel without Roy - there's a hole in the middle of my heart.
I didn't sleep very well last night and this morning when I woke up reality hit home that I'm 49 years old and I'm a widow - this is not how it was meant to be and it makes me sad and just a little bit angry.
I thank God for my wonderful children and their spouses, my darling grand-children who have been a wonderful distraction over the last few days, my wider family and good friends who continue to not only encourage and support me, but who daily pray for me as well.
I feel a great sense of relief that Roy's suffering is over and that he is now in glory with his Lord and although I know that the Lord has a plan for my life the future scares me a little as I have never had to walk it alone - humanly speaking.
I'll finish with the poem that Ryan read and that Roy would agree with.
Feel no guilt in laughter, he'd know how much you care.
Feel no sorrow in a smile that he is not here to share.
You cannot grieve forever; he would not want you to.
He'd hope that you could carry on the way you always do.
So, talk about the good times and the way you showed you cared,
The days you spent together, all the happiness you shared.
Let memories surround you, a word someone may say
Will suddenly recapture a time, an hour, a day,
That brings him back as clearly as though he were still here,
And fills you with the feeling that he is always near.
For if you keep those moments, you will never be apart
And he will live forever locked safely within your heart.
Love and blessings till next time.
Jolanda
How do I write about a week of my life that I wish I'd never had to experience. A week that although it has been filled with laughter has also been filled with overwhelming heart wrenching grief.
Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday were filled with funeral preparations, sorting out 'stuff' like Winz, the IRD, the banks etc etc. Things are moving along but everyone needs a death certificate before things can be finalised and that will all take time so everything is a little in limbo. I am so blessed to have wonderful children and children in law who took over organising so many things for me so I could concentrate on the important things that only I could see to.
On Monday Thursday seemed so far away, but it arrived so very fast. We had had beautiful weather up until then but on Thursday it was cold and rainy - I think the angels wept with us yesterday.
The funeral service was beautiful - Roy would have loved it. A HUGE thank you to Pastor John for the simple yet powerful message he gave based on a text that Roy had chosen from John 14:1-6. It doesn't matter how good you have been in this life or how many kind deeds you do if you don't have Jesus Christ as Lord and Saviour you have nothing and there is no way you'll to get into heaven.
It was very hard walking into the church and seeing the coffin up the front draped with Roy's campfire blanket and his hat. Little did I know that a harder moment was still to come. A John Denver song was playing and when I heard the words I remember thinking how appropriate they were - I think the song was 'Perhaps Love' but I can't remember anymore.
Roy's brother Henry spoke about Roy as a youngster esp about him wanting to change his name from Chris to Roy as he didn't like being called Chris. He finally did this when he was 18. Even as a little guy Roy was into collecting things and doing statistics. Both Tim and Ryan spoke about their Dad and they did so well - Roy would have been proud and honored by what they had to say. Ryan included a beautiful poem which I will add at the bottom of this post.
I want to say a HUGE thank you to all who attended Roy's funeral. I was blown away by the number of people who I haven't seen in a long time and who took time out of their day to be there, many having traveled long distances - you guys rock and it made my day to say hi and share a hug with you all.
On our way to the cemetery we drove past our home and as a mark of respect the hearse slowed right down as it went past. It was a very moving and tearful moment. The burial was way harder then I expected esp when Roy's coffin was lowered into the ground. Although I knew that he was no longer there, the finality of that moment was heartbreaking.
When we arrived home the house was full to overflowing, and although the day before I had thought it would be ok I actually couldn't face it. I think I had used all my bravery to face the funeral, the burial and all the people and I had no bravery left.
I was also overwhelmed with a sudden sense of loneliness. You can be in a room full of people who you know love you, and yet you feel totally alone. No longer is there someone in that crowd who belongs totally to you. I no longer have someone to share that special look with that says I love you and I want you. I no longer have someone to share my inner most secrets with or intimate moments. I am alone. Even when I'm with people I love I am alone. As I lay alone in bed last night I thought of the song by the Donut Man that my children used to sing - Life without Jesus is like a donut - there's a hole in the middle of your heart. That's how I feel without Roy - there's a hole in the middle of my heart.
I didn't sleep very well last night and this morning when I woke up reality hit home that I'm 49 years old and I'm a widow - this is not how it was meant to be and it makes me sad and just a little bit angry.
I thank God for my wonderful children and their spouses, my darling grand-children who have been a wonderful distraction over the last few days, my wider family and good friends who continue to not only encourage and support me, but who daily pray for me as well.
I feel a great sense of relief that Roy's suffering is over and that he is now in glory with his Lord and although I know that the Lord has a plan for my life the future scares me a little as I have never had to walk it alone - humanly speaking.
I'll finish with the poem that Ryan read and that Roy would agree with.
Feel no guilt in laughter, he'd know how much you care.
Feel no sorrow in a smile that he is not here to share.
You cannot grieve forever; he would not want you to.
He'd hope that you could carry on the way you always do.
So, talk about the good times and the way you showed you cared,
The days you spent together, all the happiness you shared.
Let memories surround you, a word someone may say
Will suddenly recapture a time, an hour, a day,
That brings him back as clearly as though he were still here,
And fills you with the feeling that he is always near.
For if you keep those moments, you will never be apart
And he will live forever locked safely within your heart.
Love and blessings till next time.
Jolanda
Sunday, 9 June 2013
Week 2: Friday and Saturday Update.
My children and others have told me that I should continue with my blog, because it will be good for me to do so and because I write so well so for now I'll continue, but prob not everyday. I'm not sure life will be so interesting further down the track but we'll see how we go.
On Friday morning I received a phone call from the Hospice nurse who was looking after Roy to say that they had been unable to wake him and that they thought it would be good for the family to come as soon as possible. Phone calls were made and we set off to Palmerston. Aimee, Richard and Noah were there when we arrived and Tim and Yvette had advised that they would be there at 3pm having had to fly up from Christchurch.
Roy was asleep and seemingly unresponsive when we got there, although Aimee said he had been talking when they arrived and she thought he'd asked for me. The nurse was pretty sure he could still hear us and encouraged us to talk to him. We found this to be true as he reacted when Ryan read Psalm 23 and when we sang his favourite hymn for him - "By the sea of crystal". He also seemed concerned when Noah suddenly started crying, he became restless and had a frown of concern on his face.
Most of the time Roy had his eyes closed and when they did open they would rolled up into the lefthand side. The nurse and doc think Roy developed a brain bleed from a tumour pressing on his brain - hence his sudden rapid decline.
We told him that Tim and Yvette would be coming this afternoon and he seemed to relax a bit. When they arrived we again read from the Bible and sang the hymn and then all the children said their goodbyes to their dad.
Roy continued to decline with his breathing becoming more and more laboured - at times he sounded like he was snoring like a train - he was always very good at that.
At dinner time the children went out to get something to eat and have a bit of a break. The staff came to turn Roy but when they lay him on his left side he became very agitated and restless. We asked them to please turn him back as he was obviously in pain and discomfort.
As the evening progressed Roy's breathing became much more rattly and shallow and laboured, but we were advised to get some sleep as it could still take a long time. Some of the children were able to bed down in the family unit they have available at the hospice while the rest of us slept on the fold out couch they had in Roy's room and a recliner chair. At about 12.30 Aimee and I were both awake. Roy had become very agitated and at times seemed to almost try to get out of bed. The nurse came and gave him an injection to help him relax. She again advised us both to get some sleep which we both reluctantly did. Sometime later I suddenly woke up because it was quiet - too quiet. Roy had stopped breathing so I rang for the nurse which woke Ryan and Aimee - just as the nurse arrived Roy breathed out and then was still again. This happened about 4-5 times. We quickly called Tim and Joel and they arrived just as Roy breathed for the last time.
The sorrow we felt was overwhelming and yet we soon also felt a great sense of peace. The nurse came and told us to take as much time as we needed and she brought us cups of tea and cake. We even talked about playing a game of 'Up and down the river' one of Roy's favourite games and if he'd been able he'd have loved to play too, but in the end we just spent some time talking and remembering.
None of us have ever seen a dead body before and although it might sound morbid we were fascinated at how the body reacts after death and how white Roy's hands became to the point where the nails and the skin were a translucent white.
Eventually some of us went to bed to at least get a wee bit of sleep and the nurses came to attend to Roy's body and tidy things up.
In the morning we all at different times went to say goodbye for the last time. The man we have loved and respected was no longer there, he had long since departed to stand on the shore of the sea of crystal, dressed in his white robe with all the other saints.
Arrangements were made with the funeral director to come and collect Roy's body and we ourselves made the hardest trip home that I have ever made. Since being here life has been a whirlwind of activity with the funeral to organise and lots of people coming and going and lots of family time, sometimes with tears but also lots of laughter.
I am so grateful to my loving family and friends who are supporting me by just doing the things that they see need doing like removing the loan items we had received in case Roy was to come home, making meals, cups of coffee/tea, organise food or just being there to comfort when I need a shoulder to cry on.
Most of the time I'm doing ok, but little things set me off like seeing Roy's shampoo in the shower or opening the wardrobe for the first time since his death and seeing all his clothes hanging there. For 2 weeks now I have been living alone, but now it's real and the thought that I will never see him again this side of glory is the hardest thing to come to terms with. I still expect him to walk in the door with a smile on his face and a twinkle in his eye and give me the wink he always had for me.
I know that Roy lives on in my heart and also in all my children and grandchildren and it is a comfort to see little glimpses of him in them from time to time. Life will be hard for a while I think, but I know that the Lord is watching over me, that He will guide my steps and that with that support and the support of those who love me I'll get through and one day I'll be able to say that I really am doing ok.
Thank you for your ongoing love, support and prayers.
Love and blessings to you all
Jolanda
My children and others have told me that I should continue with my blog, because it will be good for me to do so and because I write so well so for now I'll continue, but prob not everyday. I'm not sure life will be so interesting further down the track but we'll see how we go.
On Friday morning I received a phone call from the Hospice nurse who was looking after Roy to say that they had been unable to wake him and that they thought it would be good for the family to come as soon as possible. Phone calls were made and we set off to Palmerston. Aimee, Richard and Noah were there when we arrived and Tim and Yvette had advised that they would be there at 3pm having had to fly up from Christchurch.
Roy was asleep and seemingly unresponsive when we got there, although Aimee said he had been talking when they arrived and she thought he'd asked for me. The nurse was pretty sure he could still hear us and encouraged us to talk to him. We found this to be true as he reacted when Ryan read Psalm 23 and when we sang his favourite hymn for him - "By the sea of crystal". He also seemed concerned when Noah suddenly started crying, he became restless and had a frown of concern on his face.
Most of the time Roy had his eyes closed and when they did open they would rolled up into the lefthand side. The nurse and doc think Roy developed a brain bleed from a tumour pressing on his brain - hence his sudden rapid decline.
We told him that Tim and Yvette would be coming this afternoon and he seemed to relax a bit. When they arrived we again read from the Bible and sang the hymn and then all the children said their goodbyes to their dad.
Roy continued to decline with his breathing becoming more and more laboured - at times he sounded like he was snoring like a train - he was always very good at that.
At dinner time the children went out to get something to eat and have a bit of a break. The staff came to turn Roy but when they lay him on his left side he became very agitated and restless. We asked them to please turn him back as he was obviously in pain and discomfort.
As the evening progressed Roy's breathing became much more rattly and shallow and laboured, but we were advised to get some sleep as it could still take a long time. Some of the children were able to bed down in the family unit they have available at the hospice while the rest of us slept on the fold out couch they had in Roy's room and a recliner chair. At about 12.30 Aimee and I were both awake. Roy had become very agitated and at times seemed to almost try to get out of bed. The nurse came and gave him an injection to help him relax. She again advised us both to get some sleep which we both reluctantly did. Sometime later I suddenly woke up because it was quiet - too quiet. Roy had stopped breathing so I rang for the nurse which woke Ryan and Aimee - just as the nurse arrived Roy breathed out and then was still again. This happened about 4-5 times. We quickly called Tim and Joel and they arrived just as Roy breathed for the last time.
The sorrow we felt was overwhelming and yet we soon also felt a great sense of peace. The nurse came and told us to take as much time as we needed and she brought us cups of tea and cake. We even talked about playing a game of 'Up and down the river' one of Roy's favourite games and if he'd been able he'd have loved to play too, but in the end we just spent some time talking and remembering.
None of us have ever seen a dead body before and although it might sound morbid we were fascinated at how the body reacts after death and how white Roy's hands became to the point where the nails and the skin were a translucent white.
Eventually some of us went to bed to at least get a wee bit of sleep and the nurses came to attend to Roy's body and tidy things up.
In the morning we all at different times went to say goodbye for the last time. The man we have loved and respected was no longer there, he had long since departed to stand on the shore of the sea of crystal, dressed in his white robe with all the other saints.
Arrangements were made with the funeral director to come and collect Roy's body and we ourselves made the hardest trip home that I have ever made. Since being here life has been a whirlwind of activity with the funeral to organise and lots of people coming and going and lots of family time, sometimes with tears but also lots of laughter.
I am so grateful to my loving family and friends who are supporting me by just doing the things that they see need doing like removing the loan items we had received in case Roy was to come home, making meals, cups of coffee/tea, organise food or just being there to comfort when I need a shoulder to cry on.
Most of the time I'm doing ok, but little things set me off like seeing Roy's shampoo in the shower or opening the wardrobe for the first time since his death and seeing all his clothes hanging there. For 2 weeks now I have been living alone, but now it's real and the thought that I will never see him again this side of glory is the hardest thing to come to terms with. I still expect him to walk in the door with a smile on his face and a twinkle in his eye and give me the wink he always had for me.
I know that Roy lives on in my heart and also in all my children and grandchildren and it is a comfort to see little glimpses of him in them from time to time. Life will be hard for a while I think, but I know that the Lord is watching over me, that He will guide my steps and that with that support and the support of those who love me I'll get through and one day I'll be able to say that I really am doing ok.
Thank you for your ongoing love, support and prayers.
Love and blessings to you all
Jolanda
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