Where has the week gone??  It doesn't seem so long ago that I was sitting here writing my blog and now I'm doing it again.

All in all it's been a good week in which a lot has happened - some of which I can write about and some of which I can't ;-)

I had an absolutely wonderful day looking after Noah on Monday.  He is such a gem and so much fun.   In the morning I had some messages to do including visiting a Rawleigh customer so we went out.  The customer thought Noah was just sooooooooooooo cute and he of course was full of smiles for her.  I love watching Noah as he goes about exploring his world - he loves to chase the cat, has a thing for computers and cell phones and loves having cuddles.  He is chatting a lot more now and it is funny watching him play with his toys while chatting away.  I feel really blessed to be able to spend the day with him.

Tuesday it was pouring with rain when I woke up, but off to my appointment with Winz I went.  All in all it was a good appointment - they were on time and they realised that they were in the wrong and so put things right - however I need to attend 5 'workshops' to meet my obligations to them so that I keep receiving my benefit.  Oh I have also been 're-classified' I am  apparently no longer classified as a widow but as a job seeker.  Although the meeting went well I still came away feeling down, unsettled and emotional.  I think at times it rained as hard inside the house as it did outside.  I hate the fact that I am now in a position where I am 'beholden' to them and that they have so much 'say' into my life because they pretty much hold the purse strings at the moment.  I hate feeling like a second rate person when you have to go to see them and their total lack of empathy and understanding is frustrating.  I get that they don't make the rules, but that doesn't excuse their manner to people.  I think I'd be hopeless in that job because I'd become too involved and probably take all the baggage home and then not be able to sleep at night.  They are probably all  really lovely people outside of work, but the job and situations they have to deal with has made them 'hard'.  Shame that those of us who need a bit of empathy and understanding also bear the brunt of that hardness.

Thanks to Diana for coming with me to my Winz meeting and thanks to my Mum and Dad for putting me back together later in the day after I'd fallen apart.  Love you guys lots.

God's timing is always perfect because I did get some good news on Tuesday which made my day but I can't tell you what it is yet.

Wednesday, Thursday and Friday I had a friend come and stay which was awesome.  We did lots of chatting, laughing and crying, coffee/tea drinking, dinner in and dinner out, sharing and encouraging.  It was really great and I appreciate that she took the time to come and spend a few days with me.  There is however a downside (still) to having someone come and stay because when they leave again it makes me so much more aware of my loneliness.  Maybe over time as I became 'used' to my singleness this will become easier, but at the moment it leaves me feeling sad. The loss of having someone to share my life with is still HUGE and I sometimes wonder if I'll ever get over it.  I do know that God will only answer my prayers for 'companionship' when I can truly accept and be content in my 'new' life of singleness - it's a catch 22 really.

Grieving really is hard work,  somedays I'm doing really, really well, life is sweet, I'm happy in myself and by myself. I think surely I must be almost on the other side when WHAM something happens that re-ignites the feeling of loneliness and loss that death brings into your life. Actually I don't think re-ignites is the right word really cause the loneliness is always there - I guess it refuels the smouldering embers of loneliness.  It happened this morning - I had to iron some pants to wear to Church (yes I know I should have ironed them yesterday but I didn't - lesson learnt) - the radio came on when I switched on the iron and the song playing had the lyrics "I don't want to wake up alone anymore".  I burst into tears, because I really, really don't want to wake up alone anymore, but I have no choice because this is the path that the Lord has set before me whether I like it or not.  So for today I am again struggling, but tomorrow WILL be better.  I know that it is still early days and maybe I am actually trying to run before I can actually walk.  In the book I'm reading "Getting to the other side of grief" the author says that growing together as husband and wife takes time so don't expect to unweave your life tapestry overnight.  Grieving takes time and I need to allow myself the time and energy I need to get through it.  I pray that with each day, week and month that passes that life will become easier to bear, although I'm sure there will still be plenty of setbacks along the way and that eventually with the Lord's help I will come to the other side of my grief.

On a more positive and happier note on Thursday I had my interview for the Admin Assistant job that I had applied for. The interview went really well and later that day I was offered the job which I accepted.  WAHOO!!!! I am soooooooooooooooo wrapped.  All excited and scared at the same time.  At this stage it is a short term contract until 17 Dec and only 3 hours a week, but the hope is that they will get funding to continue the position next year and increase the hours and responsibility to including learning some of the work that the manager does.  This is such a great confidence boost for me and I can really see the Lord's hand at work in it all.  He truly does provide exactly what we need when we need it.  I have read through the rather wordy contract (and got Dad to read through it too) - it's all good to go so I'll sign it and drop it into the office on Tuesday and I'll be employed :-)

On the garden front - some of the seeds I planted last week have started to come up.  So far I have lettuce and radishes peeking through the soil.  I'm not sure if the others will do anything as some of the seed was a bit old. The bean plants are also doing well and can soon have their covers removed and I have rogue pumpkin plants popping up all over the place.  I keep pulling them out, however I am now thinking of transplanting one into a pot and letting it grow there.  I also plan to plant a cucumber in a pot too, that way I don't have the vines growing all over the lawn and making it impossible to mow it properly - goodness we can't have that!!  My red currant trees have a heap of berries on them, but I don't think my passionfruit vine was too happy with the 'chop' I gave it and doesn't look like it'll survive.  Thankfully Dad had another one for me which I'll eventually plant when it's a bit bigger.  The lemons are looking nice and healthy and there is a good crop on the tree.  I am also enjoying a daily glass of freshly squeezed orange juice from the oranges growing on my orange tree.  Yum.

Well I think I've rambled on enough for this week.  Thanks for taking the time to read what I've written. Excuse the mistakes - I'm not so good at proofreading my own work.

 I hope that in some small way I can help lighten the load for those of you out there who are going through a similar thing. "But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.  They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary; they will walk and not be faint." Isaiah 40:31

Have a blessed week.

Love
Jolanda