It's official - I need a new lawn mower!!

Nothing builds real frustration or brings you to tears quicker than trying to start and mow a rather long lawn with an old (30years) and very temperamental lawn mower.  Firstly I couldn't get the thing started,  I'd had a number of attempts yanking the starter cord when it suddenly dawned on me that maybe the thing needed petrol -hmmmmm- which it did and sadly we had some.  I say sadly because if we hadn't had any petrol this whole experience would have been over before it had begun and I wouldn't now be feeling tired and annoyed esp when after all my hard work I find that although the lawn is shorter it looks terrible - no bowling green in my back-yard.  So I've decided that I need a new lawn mower - it was a unilateral decision seeing as there was no-one here to discuss it with and after all why shouldn't a girl spoil herself once in a while with a nice new shiny ............. lawn mower?!!  If the next one latest as long as the last I'll be all set :0)

So what sort of lawn mower do I need?  Well something that starts first pop and has different cutting levels would already be a HUGE improvement on what I have now.  Nothing to heavy cause I am a member of the fairer sex after all and don't have heaps of arm muscle - yet!!  Mind you if I keep using the old mower I'll be building those muscles pretty quickly I'm thinking.  I can see a lawn mower buying trip with my dad happening soon and maybe while I'm 'shopping' I'll replace the wheel barrow too cause ...... well don't get me started on that thing - something along the line of rust and holes and a very flat tire.

I have a dear friend whose hubby has been coming to mow my lawns and I have really appreciated that, but sometimes a girl has to do what a girl has to do and today this girl decided since the weather was good she'd mow the back lawn - esp as come Saturday it'll probably be raining - again!

It was great to be outside in the sunshine, and now that the lawn is done - albeit not looking the greatest I did notice that the pot gardens could also do with a weed and tidy up.  Hopefully the weather will stay good and I can get some more things done outside tomorrow.

This past week I have been continuing with the inside sorting - all the 'stuff' I'd sorted has gone to the Op shop so the car is once again safe and sound in the garage.  I cleaned the bathroom from top to bottom and also washed all the windows that I could reach.  I have rehung the short nets that I'd taken down when we put the house on the market and I listed a whole lot of things on TradeMe. I have also sorted through my HUGE fabric stash and am planning on selling some of that too.  I also went to Bible Study for the 2nd time since Roy died.

I have been asked by a couple of people if I am still wearing my wedding ring and the answer is no I'm not.  I haven't worn my official engagement ring or wedding band for years as they are gold and I'm not a gold girl - I love silver.  The set I was wearing instead I took off soon after Roy's funeral and now I wear a dress ring on that finger instead.  For me it was just too hard to still wear my 'replacement' wedding rings, maybe part of it has to do with acceptance and maybe a little bit with moving forward as a single person.  I am happy with the choice I have made and maybe one day I'll put the set back on but it'll be because I want to wear them and not because they hold any significance.

The other thing I've been recently asked is what am I going to do for Roy's birthday which is on the 1st September - this is a really hard question to answer and I'm not sure.  I think it's something I need to talk about with the children and see what they suggest or think.

All in all it's been another good week and yet there where moments when I'd hit a wall so to speak and I'd suddenly just dissolve into tears for no apparent reason.  This week for the first time I had a moment where something had happened and I consciously remember thinking - I must tell Roy about that.  That was a hard lonely moment.  At times I still feel very sad and very lonely, but for the most part I'm doing pretty good really and I continue to face each day in the Lord's strength.

In my devotion this morning I read the following which I found really comforting and encouraging.

"God declares to His children, "I have loved you with an everlasting love."  Jeremiah 31:3.   God draws us to Himself for the sheer pleasure of it.  He loves us not for who we are, or what we do, or who we can or will be.  He loves us because He created us, because, when we accept Christ as Lord of our life, we belong to Him.  We are His beautiful and precious creation.  Like one-of-a-kind  pottery, above all else He treasures our innate worth.  We are immensely significant, and our value does not depend on anything we do, think, say, feel,earn, inherit or look like.  We are significant because we are God's creation.  Nothing more.  This is a profoundly simple reality." Judith Couchman

"Thou hast made us for Thyself, and the heart of man is restless until it finds its rest in Thee" Saint Augustine

Till next time.

Love and blessings
Jolanda

I have accomplished such a lot this week and I feel really great, even if there were some sluggish moments. Wednesday I had no power all day and it was a bit frustrating.  It really makes you realise how much we take having power for granted.  So no sewing at all that day,  no heating - at least it wasn't cold, no washing got done, no vacuuming, no eftpos.  I did have a moment were I wondered how was I going to get the car out of the garage, till I remembered there was a cord I could pull to manually open the garage door.  Thank goodness for my iphone so I still had internet.  So what did I do all day??  Well I cut out two new dresses, I packed the orders I had finished and made a trip to the Post Office to send them and I went to the bank to deposit some money. I read my book and I pottered around tidying up the book shelves. Thanks to the little gas cooker I found  in the garage and I was able to boil water so at least I could have something hot to drink - I felt like I was camping in my house.

Thursday I was in catch up mode and spent the day sewing to get the dresses I'd cut out the day before finished. I must say they both look great.  One is for a giveaway being held on Facebook by Night Owl Creations.

Thursday was also a 2nd - in that it was 2 months since Roy passed away.  Boy it seems so much longer.  It might sound a bit harsh but I am glad that Roy is no longer here - don't get me wrong I miss him very much and think about him daily, but I am glad for his sake that he no longer has to struggle with an illness that was slowly but surely robbing him of his vitality and zest for life.  He is now in a better place and I too am in a good place emotionally. I still have tears but I am comfortable within myself and I am moving forward with confidence.

On Friday Aimee and Noah came to stay for the weekend.  Together we did something that I felt I was now ready to face and that was to pack up Roy's clothes.  It was actually much easier than I had thought it would be as I found that there was no sentimental value attached to them.  We sorted as we went and all the good stuff will be donated to the Hospice Op shop - in fact there is a huge pile now of stuff to go to them in the garage so the car is once again housed in the carport.

The clear-out on Sat got me going and over the last 2 days I have attacked the office and now  it looks neat and tidy. My kinda space.  The pile for the Op shop have trebled in size and I might still find more to add to it.  I have gone through all the books that Roy had purchased with the plan to sell them on TradeMe - I have weeded out those that probably won't sell for much and they have been added to the Op shop pile.  I still have plenty left to sell and made a start at listing some last night.

I guess all this cleaning out is a bit about me claiming the house as mine - not that I am trying to remove all traces of Roy, but I don't need to keep all his stuff in order to remember him.  I have put aside special things that were his but most of it is just stuff and like the clothes has no sentimental value to me.  I guess it's all part of moving forward.

I did have another first this week - the car needed a warrant and having never done this before I sorted it all out and am happy to report that she passed with flying colours.  Having said that I was told that the car needs a service and a new cam belt as she has almost reached 100,000 km.  Better start saving as it's going to cost about $500+.  The guys down at the car yard were I get the servicing done were lovely and even gave me a loan car while they worked on mine.

The other thing I have organised this week is the course I am planning to do through the Open Polytech - a diploma in Information and Library Studies level 5. There are 6 papers but at the moment I am only going to do 1.  I want to see if it's what I really want to do and also see how it goes.  I haven't studied anything since High School which was many moons ago and the idea of having to write essays and referencing is a bit scary.  The course starts in November.

Not only have I been cleaning up 'physical' stuff I have also been cleaning up the computer and the laptop - again removing un-needed stuff that belonged to Roy.  It got me thinking how easy it is to send 'stuff' to the recycling bin, then delete it and it's gone forever, shame we can't do the same with some of the 'stuff' we end up storing in our minds.  I guess that 'stuff' is what makes us the people that we are.  The things we have experienced throughout our lives both good and bad make us stronger, but we do need to make sure that we don't pollute our minds with the wrong kind of 'stuff', because once it's there it can't be deleted, the memory of it may fade over time but it's still there - forever!!

Well I think that's it for this week.  Time for a cup of my lovely new proper peppermint tea and sit with my feet up and sew on some buttons.  I've lost count how many times I've been up and down the stairs today - needless to say I've had a good work out, Jack however hasn't as we haven't been to the dog park since Saturday.  Maybe tomorrow, but looking at the weather forecast it's not looking to promising.  Might just need to do some housework instead.

Until next time.

Love and blessings
Jolanda

I'm home again after a lovely time away up in Auckland with my daughter, son in law and grand-son.  We drove up on Thursday and did heaps over the 3 days we were there.  We went to the Food Show, visited the Zoo and Kelly Tarlton's Sea Life Aquarium and we did shopping at the Sylvia Park shopping centre.

The Food Show was very interesting with lots to see, lots of samples to taste if you wanted them, cooking demonstrations to watch, but also a huge crowd - lots and lots and lots of people.  I'm not much of a crowd person so I was pleased when we decided we'd seen enough and it was time to go.

The Zoo was great, esp as it was a beautiful mild sunny day.  Nothing at all like what the weather forecast had said it was supposed to be.  In fact the weather was lovely the whole weekend. Lots of the blossom trees are already in flower up in Auckland and the looked stunning.

All in all we had a good time but I was pleased to be going home again on Monday - Auckland is just too big and busy for me - I'm a small town girl ;0)

Aimee, Noah and I left for home on Monday - we left Richard in Auckland as he has a 2 week bakery course up there which started on Monday. We had planned to stop half way for the night but decided in the end to drive all the way back to Aimee and Richard's place.  Noah traveled really well sleeping most of the trip.

The trip home this morning was a bit harder than I'd expected - it was the thought of coming home to an empty house and I missed Roy.  I am please however to have had this time away and even though coming home was hard it is another first that has now been done.  I am really looking forward to sleeping in my own bed tonight and just having my own space.

This has me wondering whether I will become a more selfish person now that I live alone??  I am not saying that people who live alone are thereby selfish, but the reality is that I can do what I want, when I want and how I want.  I am no longer accountable to someone (well that's actually not quite true as I am accountable to the Lord) but I no longer need to 'share' with anyone on a daily basis. I'll have to remember to look outside the 'box' of me.

My plan for this week is to look into getting my study sorted out - hopefully it all falls into place.

I know this weeks blog isn't so exciting or inspiring - but I'm not feeling very inspired at the moment, I must be tired and in need of a good nights sleep.

Have a blessed week till next time.

Love
Jolanda

Do you find that the weather affects your mood??  It does mine.  Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday were overcast and gloomy days and my mood was the same.  Tears came easily and I missed Roy terribly.  Thursday the sun was shining and I felt much, much better and the rest of the week went reasonably well.

On Sat I had an afternoon out with my youngest son and his girlfriend which was really nice.

I have been wondering this past week - who am I now????  I know I am still a daughter, a mother, and an oma but I am no longer a wife.   I did not die when Roy did, I am still very much alive and I am a valuable person.  The way of life I had with Roy is gone and I have to begin again.  I am a single women looking to 'reinvent' herself.   Many of the things that were true about me when I was married are still true now - I am still a daughter of the King, I still have the same gifts, interests, abilities, and passions that I have always had.  Roy's death has not changed who I essentially am and yet it has, for now I am single and must learn new skills including living life on my own.  I sometimes wonder if I can cope with life alone and then I remember that I can because the Lord will supply all my needs.  Lord's Day 1 comes to mind - "What is your only comfort in life and death?" - "That I belong, body and soul to my faithful Saviour Jesus Christ"  I don't belong to a husband, I don't belong to my parents and I don't belong to my children - I belong to my faithful Saviour.  What a comfort.

In Psalm 23 the psalmist talks about travelling through a valley and that is what I am presently doing.  The Lord is my shepherd and He is with me and one day I will come through this valley to the other side and I will be a new and stronger me, happy, fulfilled, content and maybe even, Lord willing, I will be able to love again.

Today during my walk I heard the following song by MercyMe on my iphone and the words are just beautiful.

Bring the Rain – by MercyMe

I can count a million times

People asking me how I
Can praise You with all that I've gone through
The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You
Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times
So I pray

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain

I am Yours regardless of
The dark clouds that may loom above
Because You are much greater than my pain
You who made a way for me
By suffering Your destiny
So tell me what's a little rain
So I pray

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain

Holy, holy, holy
Is the Lord God Almighty

Here is the YouTube link if you want to have a listen http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m17af0XmPFo

My evening devotion on Wed was entitled Never Forsaken - which is pretty apt for 2 reasons - the 1st being that even though I may be lonely I am not alone as I feel the Lord's presence daily and  2nd those are the words on the plaque on my front door - I made it as a gift for Roy when we first heard that the cancer had returned and he needed to have his bladder removed.  I found the text when reading Psalm 9 - "Those who know your name trust in you, for you, Lord, have never forsaken those who seek you."

Wow this has become a bit of a deep blog this time.  The book I recently got from my niece talked about the importance of journaling as a way of working through grief and I guess this blog is my way of sorting my thoughts and feeling out.  If anyone out there is travelling a similar path as I am I can recommend  the book "Getting to the Other Side of Grief - Overcoming the Loss of a Spouse" by  Susan J. Zonnebelt-Smeenge and Robert C. De Vries - The authors, a clinical psychologist and a pastor and professor, offer comfort and guidance to those mourning their spouse's death. Both suffered the loss of a spouse at a relatively young age, and their empathy, combined with psychological insights, biblical observations, and male and female perspectives, help readers experience grief in the healthiest, most complete way.

Well that's it for tonight.  I'm off on a wee holiday and I'll tell you all about it when I get back.

Till next time.

Love and blessings
Jolanda

I am emotionally fragile today.  That saying 3 steps forward 2 steps back is how I'm feeling at the moment.  I felt like I had scaled a mountain this week and was feeling great, but since the weekend I feel like I have slipped back down.  A friend reminded me that  I was at least still 1 step ahead which is true.

So why am I feeling a bit low today when I seemed to be doing so well you might be wondering.  Well this weekend was a family weekend with family coming to stay and family celebrations and although it was nice and I did enjoy most of it,  it also made me miss Roy very much.  I am also very tired from too many late nights and when I'm tired I am also much more emotional.  So I think I'll be having an early night tonight to catch up on some much needed sleep.

The past week has been a good week really.  I have managed to get lots done and most days I have been out to take Jack for a walk at the dog park.  He loves it.  As soon as he sees me putting my coat on he is sitting by the front door waiting.  This caused a bit of a problem on Wednesday night when I had to go out after dinner to a Church meeting - another first.  I had my coat on and Jack was ready and waiting.  He hadn't been for a walk that day due to bad weather and even though it was dark he obviously thought better late and never.  Poor chap was very disappointed that he had to stay home on guard duty.

He actually has nothing to complain about as I have been very good with the walks.  As a result I have now had to retire my favourite pair of jeans due to them no longer fitting ......... because they're to big!!  I am so proud of myself and I must say I feel great.  I have a goal but that's a secret. ;0)  The down side is that eventually I'll have to buy new pants which I hate doing as I can never find pairs that are long enough for my long legs (hence the slight sadness at retiring my favourite pair).  For now I'll just continue to tighten my belt and hopefully I won't have to buy anything till summer.

On Tuesday the weather was stunning and I took the following photos while on my walk at the dog park with Jack.

The Tararua Ranges covered in a good coating of snow.

My very snazzy dog walking gumboots

Jack at full run - action shot.

We really are very blessed to live in this beautiful country and to have such a lovely place to be able to go and let your dog run free.  When the weather gets a bit better and warmer I hope to take Jack down to the beach for some long walks.  I love walking along the beach, esp when the sea is a bit wild.

While cleaning up a cupboard this week I came across a box which Roy had called his nostalgia box.  Inside were all sorts of bits and pieces, some things I have kept and other stuff I haven't  - included in the keep pile are all Roy's old bank books including his very first Squirrel school banking book.   The other thing Roy had in the box was all the letters I had written to him when we were going out.  He had numbered them all.  I read through them all and boy was I young!!!!!!  My daughter thought she might like to read them but that is never going to happen, they will never again see the light of day - enough said ;0)

This last week I also managed to get some sewing done which was a great feeling, 3 skirts all done and now I just have 3 dresses to make.  I'm hoping to get them done tomorrow all things going well.

On Sunday night just after 5pm things got very rocky for a short time when a rather large earthquake struck.  It was quite something to be standing in the doorway and feel the house sway from side to side. I came off fine with no damage but other areas where not so fortunate. To all my family and friends in Wellington - my thoughts and prayers are with you.

Well that's it for another week.  I have made good progress mentally and emotionally even if today has seen a small slide backwards.  Sometimes I just have no 'brave' left, but Lord willing with a good nights sleep tomorrow I'll have it back again and I'll be able to once again look forward rather than back.

God bless.

Much love
Jolanda

Dinner is in the oven (I've got visitors coming for tea tonight) so I have some time to blog and let you know how my week went last week.

After the initial not so great start to the week due to the Winz visit on Monday the rest of my week has been really, really great and very productive.

On Tuesday I sent out emails to all the people who had asked to be informed when the Rawleigh's Medicated Ointment was back in stock.  Medicated Ointment has been out of stock since before Christmas which meant we didn't have any to sell when we did all the markets over Jan, Feb and March so we collected their email addresses.  It's now back and the response so far to my email has been fantastic with the orders rolling in.  If any of you out there want to order a tin or any other Rawleigh products then please email me ;0) - nothing like a bit of free marketing.

On Wednesday and Thursday my sister came to visit and we had an awesome time together catching up, chatting, sharing, laughing and crying and just re connecting.  We went out for dinner and a movie - saw the Lone Ranger and it was great.  The next day we had a walk through town, did some shopping, had lunch out and then it was time for Carolyn to head home to her family.  Thanks sis for coming to visit, for encouraging me and for being a listening ear.  Love you lots.

One of the things Carolyn and I talked about was what I wanted to do further down the track - I've been thinking I might do some study towards becoming a Librarian - specialising in children's literature.  It really, really appeals so with a lot of encouragement from my sis I am looking into it.  I'll keep you posted.

On Thursday I received the letter from IRD that I had been waiting for so I could go and open a business account at Kiwibank.  Unfortunately it didn't contain any of the info I had asked them for so I was back at square one.  I rang IRD again on Friday morning and was told that yes they could organise what I wanted but it would take 15 days for the referral to go through and another 5 - 10 working days to receive the letter - grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!  To say I was fed up would be putting it mildly.

What to do? What to do?  I couldn't be without the eftpos machine for another month so I rang my bank.  I was transferred to the local branch and an appointment was made for that very morning to see one of the consultants. She was brilliant - within half an hour of walking through the door I had a business account set up and ready to go, the eftpos machine forms where also filled in and faxed off. I was all systems go and I was over the moon.  It would seem that the lady at the other bank had it all wrong - although a new anti money-laundering legislation/regulation is now in place it doesn't apply to sole trader accounts. Phew!!

Saturday saw another 'job' done and that was to fill in the tax returns for the business for the 2012/13 financial year - my brother Ron came and gave me a hand cause I've never done them before. The things I'm learning!!  We got them all sorted and they were sent off today.  Once these have been processed by IRD the partnership can be dissolved.  I'm prob looking at a big tax bill for Roy and I'm pretty sure that IRD will not be really generous and writing it off.  They may well do that for any tax Roy might have to pay for this financial year seeing as he only lived for 2 months of it.  Oh well time will tell, I'm not going to stew about it.  At least it's done.

While Ron was here he also fixed my garage door for me so I can get the car into the garage.  It'll be so good to be able to use it again and is just a bit more secure for me.

I've had a few people ask if I feel safe living alone and actually I do.  Having Jack the dog definitely helps.  He has a great big bark and uses it as soon as anyone sets foot on the property.  I sleep well at night knowing that he'll let me know if there's a problem.  He is a brilliant guard dog.  At the moment he is a very happy dog too as I have been taking him for a walk down at the dog park nearly every day - it has been very cold the last few days as the park tends to catch the southerly wind.  Sure blows away the cobwebs and I am enjoying the exercise.    You get a great view of the Tararua ranges from the park and there is a heap of snow on them at the moment.  No wonder it so cold.

Well that was a quick rundown of my week.  I continue to take things one day at a time and I think Roy would be proud of what I have achieved over the last few weeks.  I am coping ok, I am relatively content and definitely at peace.  I have lots of people who care about me and love me, but best of all I have the Lord on my side - what more could you ask for.

Till next time.  Have a great week.  Stay warm and safe.

Love and blessings
Jolanda

Time is a funny thing really!  Today is a month since Roy went home to be with the Lord and when I look back it feels like it was longer ago than that and yet it has flown by very quickly - strange really.

Last week I had a pretty good week when I compare it to the week before.  I am starting to get a routine of sorts. Well actually some days I have a routine and other days I don't - but that's ok.  On Tuesday I had a day out and was pampered by my sister in law,  she gave me a facial, eye lashes tinted, eyebrows done and a neck and shoulder massage - I felt like a million bucks when she was done. I also had cuddles with little Noah which always brightens my day.

I am learning a lot about running a business, somethings by trial and error, well more error really - like you shouldn't close the bank account that the eftpos machine funds go into - that was definitely not my brightest moment!!  I am now in the process of setting up a new business account, but that is taking time since the rules changed this year - on the 1st of July :0(   The ball is now rolling and I am hopeful to have that all up and running again by the beginning of next week.  Customers have been very understanding and most come with cash so I am still making sales which is nice.

Although I had a good week last week I didn't have good nights - often waking because of things churning around and around in my head - I even tried the make a list thing, but that didn't help - sleep tea does help a bit and a glass of red wine helps even better ;0)

Ryan and Inge came for the weekend and that was a nice distraction,  nothing like a busy 2 year old to keep you occupied -  it was pretty quiet when they left though which was a bit hard.

I know I've written it before but being alone sucks. It really, really, really sucks and I don't like it at all.  Although there are some things I am finding easier to do like going to bed alone and getting up in the morning, there are so many things that I miss, some of them things that over the years I've probably taken for granted.  Some of them silly everyday things.  I miss having someone to cook for and do washing for and generally care for.  I miss folding washing that doesn't belong to just me.  I miss having someone to bounce ideas off, someone who appreciates my sense of humour and quick retorts.  I miss the cup of tea I'd get in the morning and the kiss I'd get when I got home,  I miss the hand I held when going for a walk and the arms that would hold me when I needed a cuddle or in those just because moments.  I miss intimacy and passion.  I miss my other half.

I have never been on my own before - a free agent so to speak and I take my hat off to those who for whatever reasons have been alone all their lives and to those men and women who have traveled similar paths as I do now and have come out the other side and are 'comfortable' in their lonesomeness.  I feel great sympathy and sadness for those who although married are still very much alone and have learnt to cope with it.

Marriage and life has it's up and downs and isn't always easy.  Sometimes we get frustrated with those nearest and dearest to us and we wish, even if just for a second, that we were 'free',  but I assure you that that 'freedom' is not all it's cracked up to be.  Appreciate and love those close to you in your life because when they're gone I can tell you that you'll miss even those irritating little habits they had that used to drive you nuts.

As I mentioned at the beginning of this blog today was one month since Roy's death - probably not the best day to have an appointment with Winz re organising the widows benefit, but it had to be done.  It was a really hard meeting - not because the case manager wasn't unsympathetic, but I was just a bit more emotional today.  I was also pleased that my appointment was today rather than next week because that is when the 'changes to the system' take effect.  At present I am 'allowed' 3 months before I need to start looking for a job, I can get an extension if I get a Doc's certificate.  As from next week  the time will be cut to 4 week!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   How can they expect a person who has lost their partner to be ready to actively start looking for employment after 4 weeks - unbelievable!!!!!!!!!!!  I feel a letter to the minister of social development (or whatever she is) coming on ;0) 

We finally got everything sorted out and I am now waiting for the official letter letting me know how much I am entitled to receive.  I know that eventually I will have to find a job, should the business not be enough to live from, so I am very pleased to at least have another 2 months, but also feel that I shouldn't be pressured into this and I'll know when I am ready to face this next chapter in my life.

My prayer is that God will show me what His will is for my life and that He will open and close the doors so that His plan may be fulfilled.

It is hard to think that good will come out of this time of suffering and loss when my heart knows only sorrow and tear.  It is hard to see that one day my sorrow will be replaced with happiness and joy.  With the Lord's help I will find my new 'self' and I will discover that I have become not only wiser and stronger but also the person God has called me to be. 

"Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved. ~ Helen Keller

Love and blessings

Jolanda