Today it is one year since the Lord called Roy home to be with Him.  At 2.20am on the 8th June 2013 Roy finished his earthly walk and is now resting safely in the arms of his Lord and Saviour. 

Why God does this is still the HUGE unanswered question - a question that will probably remain unanswered this side of glory.  Why was it so important for the Lord to call Roy home when he still had so much more to do down here with those who loved him.  I sometimes still struggle with the why of it all and yet knowing the answer won't change what has happened, nor would it make things any easier to dear.   We can trust that "...in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28 even if we never understand the 'Why"!

I guess it has been a good day today although I have shed a lot of tears (quite a few writing this blog to be honest), but I guess that is to be expected.   There has been sadness at the loss of Roy, but also tears of sadness for my children - some of whom struggle with the loss of their father. This hurts my heart very much.

We decided to make today a family day so Joel and Tia picked me up this morning and we spent the day in Palmy with Aimee, Richard and Noah.  It was a lovely day, we spent some time at the beautiful Esplanade feeding the ducks, looking at the birds in the aviary and watching Noah have a great time on the slide.  Later while Noah had a sleep we played a couple of games and had a Skype session with Tim and Yvette. After a wonder roast lamb dinner with Yorkshire puddings all prepared by Richard we also Skyped with Ryan, Ineke and Inge over in England.  It was really nice to be able to spend time together even if we are far apart and Noah and Inge really enjoyed seeing each other.

I guess the first anniversary is a time to reflect on the year that has been. 

Those who have been following my blog will agree a lot has happened in this last year.   This past year has been filled with blessing  - a new grandchild on the way (due end of this month), celebrating my 50th with family and friends, good health, and the everyday blessings we so quickly take for granted.  God has been gracious and has seen me safely through even if the journey has not always been easy.  I am adjusting to my new normal even if there are aspects of it that I don't like.  I have discovered who I am as my own person not just as the wife/widow of Roy and mother of my children.  I am stronger and more resilient than I actually knew I was.  I have discovered thing about myself that I didn't know existed - a strength,determination and grace that can only be God given.  I have learnt to trust the Lord for all things, to stand up for myself, to make my own choices and to not be afraid to say what I think.  It is not in my nature to wallow in self pity - even if I do have moments when I just wish the world would stop so I can get off.

In practical terms I've learnt a lot too - I'm really good at mowing lawns now,  I can pump petrol and check the oil (note to self to do that this week).  Haven't had to change a tire yet but that's why I have an AA card. I wield a mean pruning saw and am pretty handy with a rack and a spade too.  I have kept my business running, started 2 new jobs, lost 15kg's, started and maintained my aqua jogging regime 4 mornings a week and through that and my job meet new people.

And yet .......... 

I find myself wondering when people ask how I'm doing if I'm actually being honest when I say I'm doing well. 

I guess all things considered I am doing well and yet how do I explain that the biggest thing I struggle with is loneliness.  That there is a HUGE empty ache in my heart.  

Now I know that some of you will say that I need to look to the Lord to fill that ache and I know that He does and will, on a spiritual level.  What about on a physical level?  I am 50 years old (young), I was engaged at 17 and married at 19 to a wonderful man for almost 30 years.  I expected we would spend our lives together until we were old and grey, but now I'm alone and I hate it - there I've said it.  I hate being alone.  I have conquered many thing over this last year except this one thing - loneliness.  How do you get over the empty feeling of having once been the love of someones life and now you're not because they're gone?  How do you get over the loneliness of coming home to an empty house day after day, of having no one to share with, to discuss  things with and to spend evenings with?  No one to take you out on 'date night', to walk along the beach with or to go away on a romantic weekend with.  How do you get over the loneliness of an empty bed night after night and waking to that same empty bed morning after morning, to no hand to hold, no arms to hold you tight, no kissing, no cuddling, no intimacy and no sex (blush! there I've said that too)?  

I mourn deeply today for all these things that I no longer have.  The thought of living my life alone brings me to tears.  Will that loneliness ever go away??????  I'm not sure since I'm only 1 year into this journey.  I know I have weeks where the loneliness is buried deep and I just get on with life.  Maybe because of what today is the feeling are much more raw and the loneliness is so much more profound.  I pray daily that the Lord will give me the strength and the courage to face the days, weeks, months and years ahead no matter what they bring.  That He will quiet the longing in my soul and grant me His peace.

Maybe this blog should have come with a warning at the beginning about a soul being laid bare!!  As I said earlier today actually this past week has been about reflecting on the year that has been and although it has been a year of growth and many, many, many blessings it has also been a year of struggle as well and I guess I just needed to share that part of it in this blog - I always feel much better once I've put things into words..

I do want to take a moment to say a HUGE thank you to all those who take the time to read my blog every time I post something - I know it's not always that exciting but thanks for following my journey.  To those who have supported me during this past year with their prayers, cards, visits, words of encouragement, acts of service and gifts - thank you.  I feel very blessed by each and every one of you and you have all made this journey that much easier to travel. May the Lord bless you.

In 4 minutes it'll be a new day and in a way the beginning of a new year.  So Happy New Year to me - lol!!!

Time to get some sleep or Noah and I will both be taking a nap tomorrow.

Till next time.

Love and blessings

Jolanda