Something happened last weekend which has made me stop and ponder and I've decided I really need to write about it to get my thoughts out there and clear my head.  I think some of this may be attributing to the ho hum feeling I wrote about yesterday.

On Sunday I congratulated a lovely lady on her 60th Wedding Anniversary.  She thanked me for my kind wishes, but said she felt a little embarrassed to be happy knowing that I was never going to get to celebrate such a mile stone.  I appreciated what she said but assured her that she had every right to be happy - 60 years is a big deal.  I did however come away feeling a little sad.  Not because I would  never get to celebrate 60 years of marriage but because she felt embarrassed to be happy for my sake.

Many of us have 'crosses' to bare in this life and I think it is sad and wrong for us to become so engrossed in our own self pity that we can not reach out and  be truly happy and celebrate with those who have special moments to celebrate.  Romans 12:15 tell us to "Rejoice with those who rejoice, and mourn with those who mourn".  True Christian love will make us take part in the sorrows and joys of others,  it should not about us and how we feel, or about what we want in our lives but about building up the other person/people.  If God has given us a cross, whatever it maybe,  to bear for a season then we need to bear it graciously trusting that He will supply all our needs in His time and that His love for us will get us through, that His timing is always right and so are His plans for our lives.

Am I sad that I will never get to celebrate 60 years of marriage - of course I am.  My heart aches at the thought of spending the rest of my life alone, never being held in someones arms, never being kissed with passion, never having someone to share thoughts, dreams and intimate moments with.  All those couple things that other couples have and I now don't.  Yes that makes me sad, but I truly rejoice with those who do have those things, those who get to celebrate their anniversaries be it 20, 30, 40, 50 or even 60 years.  What a blessing to get to spend a lifetime with the one you love, how can I not be happy for these people - they have been given such a precious gift that can so easily be snatched away.  I feel blessed to have been given almost 30 years with Roy.

I will probably never know why God in His wisdom decided to call Roy home to be with Him and why I now have to live without him.  But it is what it is - don't get me wrong I loved Roy very, very much and we had a great marriage and a very happy life together, but Roy is my past and what we had will eventually become very precious memories.  I can not live in the past nor would Roy want me too.  His biggest wish for me was to be happy so if there is any gift I could give him it would be that - to be happy.

I can hear some of you asking - how can she write all this when Roy has only been gone 7 months??!!  I think because my grieving started already a year before Roy died if not longer ago than that.  We knew when his bladder cancer had become aggressive and was found in his lymp nodes that we were living on borrowed time - we just didn't know then how much time that would be. We were able to enjoy the time the Lord allotted us and also grieve together that it was far shorter than what we had hoped it would be. Maybe those last five years together has made my journey much easier.  Maybe that is why now suddenly I'm having these unsettled feeling, the eagerness to see what the Lord has planned for my future.

It's funny you know cause Roy and I did talk about what we'd do if one of us was no longer around - I guess it's something all couple talk about at some stage.  Roy always said he'd never remarry and I think he would have been very content with his life alone had that been the case.  That was just how he was - he would have had a busy life with his archives, church work and all the other things he was passionate about.  I on the other hand wasn't really sure what I'd want to do - it isn't easy trying to imagine yourself married to someone else when the love of your life is still with you and your happy. Roy said he could see me re-marrying again should it come to that. I can honestly say that if it's in the Lord's plan I'm open to the possibility.  Not that I'm planning to jump into anything just yet, but friendship is always a very good place to start.

Speaking of jumping I had a very shaken, not stirred moment that has seen me high tail it to hide under the dining room table along with Jack - the dog.  We have just been rocked by the biggest earthquake that I have ever felt - 6.3 apparently.  Wow my heart is still pumping and my legs are all wobbly.  That really was very scary, I'm ok and the only damage was 2 broken wine glasses, although the fishtank lost a bit of water, some Rawleigh stock fell off the shelves and all the kitchen cupboards were standing open but everything else seems to be ok.  Hopefully we're not in for too many more of those.  I hope everyone else is doing ok.

Well that is it from me.  I feel much better having been able to share my thoughts.  I want to encourage you to reach out to those who mean something to you - life is short so love them, respect them and be happy for them even when it's hard.

Thanks for listening.

Blessings and much love,

Jolanda