I'm not really sure what to write this week.  I can honestly say it had been a very good week until Sunday afternoon when I got some news.  News which I can't actually share yet and it's news that although I sort of expected it might be coming it has still rocked my world - a lot.  And it's not so much the news even though it is painfully sad, it's the sudden reality of how very much I still miss Roy, esp at a time like this.  I thought I was doing ok but so wish he was here to hold me in his arms and tell me that everything is going to be ok and we'll get through this together. But he isn't, so I have to process this all on my own.  My emotions are raw and very, very close to the surface and I feel so incredibly heart broken, sad and even though I'm surrounded with people who love me I still feel alone - unconnected. I have shed so many tears in the last 24 hours that my headaches, my eyes are puffy and sore, my stomach hurts and my heart is heavy.

Last week I wrote that I was progressing, moving ahead, rebuilding my life but now it feels like the wounds that I thought were healed have all been ripped open again and to be honest I'm a bit angry about that because I don't want/like to feel this way.  Some of you very wise souls out there will be shaking your heads and thinking, but it's still early days, it's only just gone 5 months and Jolanda you are doing well - and you're right it is early days, and it is only just gone 5 months - but oh it seems so much longer.  I thought I had overcome that hollow empty feeling, but I really haven't.  I've just buried it and pretended that it isn't there anymore by smiling and nodding in all the right places.  I actually feel like yelling 'Stop the world cause I want to get off!!!' because I've had enough, I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want this life it's too hard, I want my old life back.  I want to be happy, carefree and self assured.  I want to be whole again, not broken and sad. I want!! I want!! I want!!

I have so many why questions that there are no earthly answers too - but the biggest is why can't I leave this burden at the Throne of Grace????  Why do I keep picking it back up again?? Why does this plague me so much and why do I feel no peace??  Maybe it's because I'm trying to do things my way rather than letting the Lord lead and guide me.  Maybe I need to start putting my trust completely in Him.  Here's the kicker - I thought I was!!

This earthly life is not meant to be easy - circumstances are going happen and people will do things (both intentionally and unintentionally) that are going to cause us pain and sorrow. We can let it all get us down or we can give ourselves a proverbial kick in the bum and get over it.  I need to get over myself. I need to give myself a kick in the bum, stop wallowing in self pity and look at the blessings in my life.  As I've written before it would seem that I again have a choice to make - I can look inward or I can look upward.  I think I'd better start working a bit harder on my upward looking.  I really covet your prayers this week to help me through because I know that I can't do it in my own strength.

I received a wonderful article from my sister which is entitled "Just Pedal" - the author unknown but Charles Swindoll used it in one of his sermons.

JUST PEDAL

At first, I saw God as my observer, my judge, keeping track of the things I did wrong,

so as to know whether I merited heaven, or hell when I die.

He was out there, sort of like a president. 

I recognized His picture when I saw it, but I really didn't know Him. 

But later on when I met Christ,

it seemed as though life were rather like a bike ride,

but it was a tandem bike

and I noticed that Christ was in the back helping me pedal. 

I don't know just when it was that He suggested we changed places,

but life has not been the same since.

When I had control  I knew the way.

It was rather boring, but predictable...

It was the shortest distance between two points. 

But when He took the lead, He knew delightful long cuts,

up mountains, and through rocky places at breakneck speeds,

it was all I could do to hang on! 

Even though it looked like madness, He said,

 "Pedal!"

I worried and was anxious and asked, "Where are you taking me?"

He laughed and didn't answer,

and I started to learn to trust.

I forgot my boring life and entered into the adventure.

And when I'd say, "I'm scared,"

He'd lean back and touch my hand. 

He took me to people with gifts that I needed,

gifts of healing, acceptance and joy.

They gave me their gifts to take on my journey,

my Lord's and mine.

And we were off again.

He said, "Give the gifts away; they're extra baggage, too much weight."

So I did, to the people we met,

and I found that in giving I received,

and still our burden was light. 

I did not trust Him, at first, to be in control of my life.

I thought He'd wreck it;

but He knows bike secrets,

knows how to make it bend to take sharp corners,

jumps to clear high rocks,

fly to shorten scary passages.

 I am learning to shut up and pedal in the strangest places,

and I'm beginning to enjoy the cool breeze on my face with my delightful constant companion, Christ. 

And when I'm sure I just can't do anymore,

He smiles and says...

" Just Pedal."

Author Unknown

So I guess that's what I need to do - just pedal and leave everything else up to the Lord, because He knows what He's doing. 

Thanks for listening.

Love and blessings

Jolanda