This post comes with a warning - you might need tissues.

Every morning I wake up wondering - will I shed tears today??

I can honestly say that to date tear-less days have been few and far between.  Sometimes it's a thought that will bring them on, a song on the radio or just a sentiment that someone has posted on line. Tears are cleansing for the soul I know but the resulting head ache is horrible, not to mention how the eyes end up looking.

My heart is heavy with sorrow - that fairy-tale idea of a broken heart is true.

My heart breaks to see Roy in pain and struggling at times to get through the day.  It breaks when I see him getting frustrated that he doesn't have the energy to do the things he wants to do.  It breaks when I hear him say that he's tired of fighting and it shatters when I think that one day I will have to live my life without him.

Till death do us part are the vows we really take so lightly on our wedding day.  We assume that we'll live to an old age together, little realising or understanding the path that God has laid before us or the reality of those words when the time comes.

My husband is dying and my heart is heavy with sorrow.

I know that he is heading to a place that is better by far than it is here on earth, but I struggle to understand why God feels the need to take him away.  Why do prayers seem to go unanswered?  Why do I feel as if God is silent?

There I've put it out there!!

Am I having a crisis of faith??

NO.

I know that God is in control of ALL things and that His will will be done.  I know that if it is His will Roy will be healed and if not then it's not to be.  I know that I can give Him all my worries and fears and concerns and He will shoulder them.  I know that He is my only source of comfort, strength and joy.

But I also know that I am human and frail and in moments of utter weakness and despair I rage against God because I don't understand WHY.

Tears are therapeutic but I am finding that so is blogging.

To those of you who take the time to read this thanks for listening.

If you're wondering if I'm ok - yes I am.  Sometimes it's just good to get 'stuff' off your chest.

I love the following Psalm and know that it gives Roy great comfort too.  So I'll finish with these words.

 "Let love and faithfulness never leave you; bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart. Then you will win favor and a good name in the sight of God and man. Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight. Do not be wise in your own eyes; fear the LORD and shun evil."  Proverbs 3:3-7 

Love and blessings
Jolanda

PS:  Decision is still pending.